Here I go Again, One More Time….

29 Nov

Here is another post inspired by music

Dear Daft Punk, Thank you for inspiring me with

a good ole’ dance song to keep me rocking out to for the ages….

This is probably one of the hardest entries for me to write…This is one that I will have struggled to write the most!

We all have things in our life that we say, “Ok, just one more time,” “One more drink,” “One more email,” “One more piece of candy for your crying child,” “One more dog to adopt,” “One more purse that you have to have,” “One more piece of cake.”You get the idea, right?

For me this is really something I struggle with. Just one more time, just one more time that I will give in to my crying child, just for a moment of piece. One more time that I will let somebody in my life treat me badly, before I say that is enough and I am not bluffing, you will soon be out of my life. Just one more time that I eat this badly, knowing that I am going to have the most severe stomach ache in the morning. Just one more time, just one more, just one more time…..

Well, dear readers I have something that I have said that about many times over the years. For those who are close to me you already now this, but for those of you who don’t here it goes. We all have crutches in life, shopping, eating, drinking and so on and so on. For me it is….smoking. Yes, I SMOKE!!!!! Right now my mom and sister are having a heart attack reading this, because they know how private I am about this. I have always tried to be a closet smoker, or at least since I had children. I hate that I smoke, I hate it about myself, I hate who it makes me. I AM SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF TO BE A SMOKER, ASHAMED BEYOND BELIEF….I use them as a crutch, as a way to avoid, as an escape from the stress of my life. It has been so long that I don’t know how to deal without them. I quit while pregnant with each child, but once Blaise was diagnosed I slipped right back.



I want something different for my life, smoking doesn’t represent who I am, or who I want to be. I want to take care of myself, I want to be healthy, practice mindful eating, do yoga, meditate, and sleep well at night.


I know it might not be perfect, I know I still have those last few left in my pack. I promise you all this. I will not buy another pack, and if you want to offer me encouragement or words of wisdom, they are all welcome here!


12 Responses to “Here I go Again, One More Time….”

  1. Yochai November 29, 2011 at 9:57 pm # and Allen Carr’s The Easy Way to Stop Smoking. My third time through: 598 days, 5 hours, 55 minutes and 5 seconds

  2. Marisa Vitalie-Cochran November 29, 2011 at 10:22 pm #

    Rach I soooooooo feel you on this one!!!!!!!!!!! I hate that I smoke!!!! My father is losing his fight with lung cancer and still I smoke!!!! What the hell??????? I have stopped smoking in the house, in the car, I wake up everyday and say I am done. But then “just one more”!!! I am now going to try the patch or hypnosis or both!!! I think we have to change “just one more” to “just no more” Good Luck!!!!

    • rachyrachp November 29, 2011 at 10:27 pm #

      You know that my dad smoked 4 packs a day, 4 packs of KOOL’s a day. Well, we all know that he died at only 38. Hello, I am 34 this year, and I think about that all the time. Why did I smoke and Jen didn’t. Why did I do all the bad stuff my dad did, why didn’t I learn from his mistakes. It is so hard, sometimes I just think it is my blood. I want something different. Why can’t I be addicted to RAW food, or yoga, or green tea, or god anything but cigs.

  3. Jen Yocum November 29, 2011 at 11:11 pm #

    this is so brave of you to share. one thing that i talk to my acupuncture patients who are quitting smoking, is that just like with food, you should smoke consciously. enjoy those cigarettes that you have left in your pack. smell them and feel them before you light them. then light it, and feel and smell the smoke. notice how you feel in your body. go through the whole process and take in the whole process. you may decide you don’t even enjoy it. either way, once you consciously smoke, then at least you are not just puff puff puff and it’s gone. then you can surround yourself with people like on this blog, your family, doctors who can advise you, acupuncturists who can help quell your cravings with needles, and any other people who are here to support you. over time you can get those destressing vibes from other healthier sources, like yoga, meditation, tai chi or qi gong, acupuncture, massage, healthy eating, and more. i look forward to hearing more about your journey, and thank you for sharing!!

  4. DaddyMatt November 30, 2011 at 10:26 am #

    You can do it. I smoked 2 packs a day for about three years and quit cold turkey one day. It helps to think of someone you know who is suffering more than you and see that your suffering is peanuts in comparison. In your particular case, you can use it as a way to better understand your son’s suffering.

  5. Sia November 30, 2011 at 10:35 am #

    Coming out of the “closet” about your smoking is HUGE Rach. Good for you! One step closer to quitting. I wish you luck. Your children deserve a healthy you!

  6. CGL Warrior November 30, 2011 at 11:15 am #

    A simple “way to go” or “you can do it” just seems too cliche for me. However, I support you and kudos to you for being so brave. You are amazing and a beautiful mother who has already overcome so much. This my dear Rach, you will overcome and have already taken steps to heal. “Expect to be delighted” as the outcome and the finish line are closer than you think! Love you Rachel and thanks for sharing!

  7. barbarapotter November 30, 2011 at 12:28 pm #

    Proud of you Rach. I started smoking when I was around 12 or 13…yes that young. When I was 20 and your grandfather Jack was dying of lung cancer and on his death bed he made me hold an unlit cigarette to his lips, in the Intensive Care Unit, I decided that I would stop. There was one little trick that I used that worked for me. Each time I got the craving for one I would say “I can get through this few minutes, it’s just a few minutes”, then it passed. The next time I would say the same thing. Before you know it the cravings went away. I remember 3 weeks later I was at a wedding and decided to have a cigarette just because. I was not craving one. I lit it and nearly choked to death. My lungs went beserk. That was it never tried again. The point being the little step thing really worked for me. I also did that when I finally knew that I could not eat wheat/gluten anymore, as it was harming me as always, but I was so addicted to it. I kept telling myself you can get through this, just this one craving right now. Keep it simple. Don’t think of the big picture. The little pieces make it so much easier. As you know who liked bread more than me. Yummm. Love you.

  8. jamesvincentknowles March 24, 2012 at 5:19 pm #

    Rachel, as you know, even though we’ve never me, i too smoke. I too, often feel ashamed of it. I’m envisioning myself not smoking. So many times i’ve heard others say, “just quit.” If i think about that for a minute, and the fact i still smoke, my mind tells me I’m not good enough, strong enough, etc. there must be something “wrong” with me. But that is not true. I know it’s not true. So yes, I am quitting. If i cannot do it without supportive, encouraging, compassionate friends, I’ll try hypnosis. If that doesn’t work I’ll ask someone to tie me to a tree. I’ll count out these horrible little things each day & smoke just one fewer than the day before until i’m down to none. If i have to go for a walk at midnight or suck on a toothpick all day, i’ll do that. Whatever it takes.

    What i will not do is be down on myself anymore. And let’s face it, smoking is pretty much about as down on oneself as it gets.

    So okay… you’re doing very well indeed admitting this & asking for support. If ever you’re in need of a pep talk, feel free to email anytime rather than light up. I don’t like smoking at all. It’s not just a crutch for me, it’s become a terrible habit. An addiction. Almost a way of life. i no longer want to hate myself that much. If others despise me or judge me because i smoke, rather than resent others for looking down on me, rather than looking down on myself, best thing i can do is realize how much better my life will be when I no longer smoke.

    You’re a very courageous & strong person, Rachel. Thank you so much for sharing so much so honestly~! You’ve been a real inspiration~!



  1. Coffee Is For Closers. The DMC. « Manifestation Station - November 30, 2011

    […] My sister bravely shared tonight in her amazing blog, that she is a smoker. (I know, I know… Imagine my flesh and blood smoking! Me, the yoga teacher! Me, whose rule in yoga class is: do whatever you want except smoke a cigarette.) My sister Rachel must now imagine herself as an Ex-Smoker. She must visualize how easy it will be, rather than how hard it will be to quit. […]

  2. Manifestation Monday. Coffee is for closers. | Dirty And Thirty - December 5, 2011

    […] My sister bravely shared tonight in her amazing blog, that she is a smoker. ( Me, whose rule in yoga class is: do whatever you want except smoke a cigarette.) My sister Rachel must now imagine herself as an Ex-Smoker. She must visualize how easy it will be, rather than how hard it will be to quit. […]

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