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I AM ONLY HUMAN….

14 Dec

I am only human, I am not….

Tonight was really hard. I am not going to lie. Let me just be blunt here for a second. I know that many of you out there have kids, and I know that many of you out there know what a screaming child is like. However, it is slightly different when dealing with a meltdown with a child with special needs. So let me just say for the record that today I HATE PWS and I HATE AUTISM!!!!! WITH A PASSION.

Can you imagine what it would be like to have your child crying for 4 hours straight. I don’t mean your typical run of the mill little temper tantrum. I mean full blown screaming fits, intermingled with crying that is so intense your child can’t breathe. Why you ask? Well, tonight it was because Blaise wanted his dad, who was coming home, LATER. In our house later is the dreaded word. You see my son is smart, smart as as whip, but he doesn’t understand the abstract concepts. So when I say later, all he heard was that dad isn’t coming right this second. Later might as well be next year as far as he is concerned. So you add that obsession with dad on top of a massive hunger fit and you have the perfect storm. No, wait…let’s add a dash of my youngest Maddock chiming in and creating a second stressful situation in the house. It is now 8pm by this time and all I can say is that I was on the verge of a full fledged….

Next stop ahead on the crazy train is Nervous Breakdownville. I might be joking about this now, but it was for real earlier. I really haven’t felt this way in quite some time. I was really frazzled, I mean physically experiencing a crack. By the time my husband did walk in the door, shortly after 9pm, I thought I was about to go declare myself 51/50 at the hospital(for those of you who don’t know that is where you take your butt to the hospital and tell them your crazy!)

When my husband walked in I literally wanted to throw the kids at him and run, as fast as I could. I wanted to hide, lock myself in a room somewhere and collapse. I really need a mommy time out.

People really when I tell you, please please listen up. If you have a friend who might have a child with special needs, or a relative, you can’t possibly understand what it is like for us. That is okay, all we ask is that you have empathy. Maybe even a little help, or in my case a lot of help. Maybe you could help your friend or family member out and babysit one night, maybe you could go to their house and bring them a cocktail 🙂 I really wanted something tonight, anything, any kind of life raft. Like I said, I haven’t had one of these moments in forever, by my god, it was so hard, and it really bleepin sucked.

I watch Michelle Duggar on t.v. with her 9 million children and she never raises her voice, she is always smiling, and always so joyful and happy. Well guess what folks, news flash, THAT AIN’T ME!!!!

After a day like today, there was quite a bit of yelling, screaming, and fighting in my house. By the end of the day my house is a disaster, my kids didn’t get a bath, we ate scrambled eggs for dinner, and I can barely see straight. You know what it’s all right. Tomorrow is a new day, a new chance to do it over again. My god, I love the new day idea, because to be completely honest. I HATED TODAY WITH A PASSION. Days like today make me feel like I am not a good mom, not patient enough, not following my behavioral training with Blaise well enough, not the best PWS mom, not the best autism mom, not the best doggy mom and on and on and on. Like I suggested earlier I am not Supermom, I am just MOM! That is totally okay with me. Guess what both my kids went to bed happy. Blaise went to bed happy to go see Julie tomorrow and Maddock actually put himself to bed, literally got in bed alone and said goodnight. So now it is midnight and officially a new day and I am feeling good. That Nina Simone song just got in my head.

It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good 

All right dear readers. It is a new day, what are you feeling good about? I am feeling good about being a human. Oh yeah flawed and imperfect human 😉

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7 Responses to “I AM ONLY HUMAN….”

  1. katemcclafferty December 14, 2011 at 12:55 am #

    SO honest. Thanks you for sharing:)

  2. barbarapotter December 14, 2011 at 1:19 am #

    I know exactly what went on today/tonight. I wish I could be there to help. I hope that you enjoy your week in Mexico with your sister and get to breathe a lot. I am glad you can write about it. Love you and both boys madly.

    • Rosey O. December 14, 2011 at 1:11 pm #

      So very sorry, Rachel. I understand those days. I remember when Jonathan and Juliette were toddlers (about 2 1/2 and 1 1/2!!), I was having one of those horrible days, along with a migraine. We lived waaaaaaaay in the country, John was pastoring a church and working in Savannah and I didn’t have a car!?!?! Anyway, when he got home I also handed him the children and went to the bathroom & ran the bathwater for a much needed soaking bubble bath! I locked the door and even when they were pounding on the door and crying “Mommie, Mommie!” I wouldn’t open the door. Just laid there and let the hot sudsy water soak my long, hard day away!! I couldn’t even have a drink even if I wanted to because you know us “Southern Baptists” can’t do that sort of thing (at least not then!). I’m just very sorry that I wasn’t there to help you like I should have been. I love you and really do want to do whatever I can to help and support you as much as I can, physically, emotionally and mentally. I also have you and your fanily in my prayers, too. I love you so very much. Please, please know that I’m here for you. May God continue to bless you in every way as He already has. You are an amazing Mom; please don’t forget that. I know its hard in the chaos of everyday but God is also with you; He’s just a whisper away. Love always, Nana!!

  3. james morris December 14, 2011 at 3:41 am #

    know the felling have a pws person who was 20 yesterday and did not get that mum and dad were not free in the week to go out to lunch as a treat. now we are just out

  4. Linda December 14, 2011 at 9:58 am #

    We all have days like this and I so appreciate the honesty and humor!

  5. jamesvincentknowles December 14, 2011 at 1:08 pm #

    Yes you ARE indeed a super-mom. You just redefined the word.

  6. Alicia Easter (@SASS_APPEAL) December 14, 2011 at 4:54 pm #

    Rachel, you are so raw and real. It is inspiring to see you owning your own shit. No own can hide being human and that is just what it is. Sending so much love and BIG hugs down to GA!

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