16 Jan


This does not make it any easier.

“You’ll get over it…” It’s the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don’t get over it because ‘it” is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never loses. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?”― Jeanette WintersonWritten on the Body

When I was only 5 years old I lost my dad. I was such a little girl, but that loss would help to shape my life forever. As I grew up I became not stranger to loss. I lost friends and family members as the years rolled on, it never got easier.
I have lost many beloved 4 legged friends along the way too. That is no comfort to me right now. My dog is in dire straits and I know in my heart that it is the end of days for him. My previous loss will do nothing to help me feel better about his eventual departure from our lives.
Our beloved dog Gunner, my husbands first baby, has a tumor. This tumor is the size of a grapefruit and has invaded his entire back side, leaving him in a position where he is unable to use the bathroom without medication. It is terrible to see your “animal” child in pain. It is equally hard to see your husband in pain.
There are no words to describe the look of sadness on my husbands face, it breaks my heart.
Gunner is now running a fever and has a terrible cough. The vet said today that it isn’t looking good. We have pain medication and antibiotics for him to keep him happy.
It is such a terrible decision to have to make, do you keep your animal alive or take their life?Nobody should ever have to make this decision. I certainly don’t want to make this decision. I fear it will come down to me having to be the strong one and make the final say so. I know that to make a decision like that is too hard for my husband to even think about right now.
I don’t have much to write about tonight other than the fact that I am VERY SAD TODAY!
When you lose somebody you love it brings up things that are buried deep inside of you.
Keep my little buddy in your thoughts tonight. He has been my companion for the last six years, by my side through both pregnancies, and all the moments in between.
We love him so much. This is a very hard time for us ;(

4 Responses to “Loss”

  1. barbarapotter January 16, 2012 at 7:45 pm #

    I love Gunner too. He is such a sweet dog and he gets so excited when I come to town and he sees me. I’ll never forget how happy he was when I taught him to walk with a leash up and down the streets with me when Blaise was born. He would jump up and down like he was dancing and singing. Poor guy but I know he is in pain and he can’t live much longer. He probably won’t be there when I get there next week. Love you Gunner.

  2. icanseealotoflifeinyou January 16, 2012 at 8:03 pm #

    I am so very sorry for your sadness. I know what that feels like and it is the sharpest, dullest, loneliest pain to lose an animal, the truest of all friends. It sounds trite and you already know this, but bless you for loving Gunner…your memories will keep you company for the rest of your lives. I’m sorry again for your sadness.

  3. Dana January 16, 2012 at 8:07 pm #

    I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am an animal lover as well I know it must be a terrible decision to make. I have not had to go through it myself but the friends I have who have been in your shoes have told me that he will somehow let you know when he is ready to let go. I am not sure what that will look like with Gunner but I pray you and he will have peace with whichever decision you have to make.
    I also wanted to let you know how much your blog has inspired me. I found you through the PWS FB page as I am a preschool ESE teacher and have a student with PWS in my class. You have taught me alot about PWS and about life in general. I really admire you and love your 3 words a day!


  1. Loss « Manifestation Station - January 16, 2012

    […] This post by Rachel Pastiloff made me cry.  […]

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