My life in the present moment

7 Mar

I am the child who lost her father 29 years ago…

When you lose a parent at a very young age, 5 years old in my case, you learn early on how precious life really is.

I knew at the precious young age of 5 that anything and anybody can be taken from you without warning.

Knowing this doesn’t make it any easier when again at 34 years old somebody you cared about is taken away. It still makes no sense at all.

I got the call about Steve on Saturday morning as I was healing from having 5 teeth removed from my jaw. I was having a hard time hearing what my sister was telling me. When it finally registered all I could do was let out a wail and cry. Crying hurt so bad because my face was completely swollen. I spent the entire day in a daze, feeling overwhelmed with sadness and loss.

Steve Bridges was an amazing human being. He happened to be part of our magical 13 in Mexico. Those of you who know me or read my blog know that Mexico was life changing for me.

Steve was a part of the miraculous shift in my life.

His loss for myself and the others in his life is profound, to say the least.

Steve’s loss has brought up a huge amount of emotion inside of me.

Prior to Mexico I began a journey to recharge and change my soul. Mexico sealed the deal for me. I cam home as a motivated, inspired, dedicated, committed, and loving person. I am on my way.

All the important things in my life ran through my mind on Saturday as I thought of the loss of my dear friend.

What is important to me?

Who is important to me?

What do I stand for?

What do I want to accomplish in my life?

What kind of mother do I want to be?

What legacy do I want to leave for my children?

What kind of life do I want to live?

What kind of people do I want to surround me in my life?

Why wait for the “what if’s in life, start living my dreams now”!

I  couldn’t stop thinking about all of these questions. I remember Steve telling me all the plans he had for his future. I felt overwhelmed with sadness that he didn’t get to fulfill so many of those things.

I know this much. He lived out so many of his dreams. Things that were important to him, he did. He wasn’t waiting for some better time, or better circumstance, he really did live his life.

I want the same for myself. There really is no better time than now to start living. Sounds clichéd but it is true.

I wonder if the morning my dad died if he thought to himself, “Did I tell my kids I love them today. Have I lived a good life?” Probably not!

I don’t want that for myself. I want to truly live my life, so that if for some reason I am taken, I will have no regrets.

I can say proudly that I have not smoked a cigarette in an entire week. I feel great. I took the step to be around for my children.

I have spent a ton of time really engaging with my kids this week. I have made an effort to really sit and be with them. I make an effort that every single time I talk to them I look them dead in the eyes. I want them to feel my presence and how special they are.

I am more calm and collected. I am taking the time to appreciate all the moments of my life.

I start my teacher training at the end of the month. I am moving forward on this journey of my life. I am not waiting anymore for the “right” time. You can’t what or you may find out that time never comes and then its too late.

I am committed to living my life 100% of the time with 100% of myself committed.

Loss is such a funny thing. Through all the sadness you can gain some clarity on things you may be struggling with.

I am so blessed to have spent that week in Mexico with Steve. I am so blessed to have known him. He taught me a lot about myself in Mexico, and he taught me even more in his death.

I dedicate this blog tonight to Steve Bridges. May you rest in peace with the angels. You will always be loved and missed forever.

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One Response to “My life in the present moment”

  1. barbarapotter March 7, 2012 at 7:06 pm #

    Beautifully written Rachel. I know you will fulfill all of your dreams and you children will always know you were present in their lives as you are in mine.

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