22 Mar

My life has been non-stop this week, that is nothing new. I am feeling a bit rundown and slightly unsteady emotionally.

I start Yoga Teacher Training next week and this is bringing up a flurry of “old” thought patterns for me.I am, it seems, starting to self sabotage myself.I called my life coach this morning, “my sister Jen,” and asked for guidance. It was exactly what I needed to hear.Jen asked me to break down how I was feeling until I got down to its simplest form.I found myself repeating the same sentence over and over.

I always……

I must have listed at least 10 things that I always do, and they were all self-deprecating things. Jen said to me, “Stop saying always! Every time you say that you are putting it out to the universe that you are continuing to do the thing that you are speaking about, and that it is true!”

I realized that is exactly what is going on for me. I am getting nervous and so this really ugly voice of self-doubt is coming into my head, on the regular

The voice that keeps saying to me,”You never finish anything you start, not a book, not school, not anything.” You are too tired to work and be a mom, you will never make this work in you life.” You aren’t skinny enough to teach yoga, you need to lose 30lbs.” You won’t be able to find the right childcare so you can work, and all this will be in vain.” You won’t be as good as all the people you look up to and admire.” You are not making the right choice.”

I hear myself say these things and I cringe. I have worked really hard to become a person who is full of love, laughter, happiness, energy, and compassion. Currently I am in conflict with myself, I can’t be all those things unless I AM those things to myself first and foremost.

I received some really great guidance today from my life coach, words that helped me with a new thought process today.

I will no longer use the word, “ALWAYS”  when referring to something about myself.

How can there be an always? I am constantly changing and evolving. When it comes to the “ugly” voice in my head, I go right back to the “always”

I am feeling scared, nervous, worried, and self-conscious now. Not just about teacher training, but about my life in its totality.

I will end my post today writing a few things down that I have completed, things I am proud of, and things that are not an “always” in my life.

I have never given up on my children. No matter how tired I may be, no matter how stressed out I find myself, I will always stand by their side.

I am still writing this blog 4 months later. Yes, I have skipped days here and there, but I am still writing. See I can follow through.

When we put Gunner to sleep I promised that I would make more time for my dog children, and I have. I make sure to find some time for my puppies every single day.

I promised myself that I would do a walk for Prader Willi Syndrome, I have my page set up with $375 in donations already.

I promised myself that I would do all I could to be supportive to all my friends and family. I do whatever I can to be present in their lives and support them in whatever ways I can.

I enrolled in Yoga Teacher Training. I am learning to live a life that involves taking care of, and loving myself!

It is practice and work to remind myself that there are things in my life that I am following through on, things that are in line with my intention and goals.

Finally, the most important thing that I have followed through on is that I am officially 3 weeks and 1 day smoke free. This was the best gift I have ever given myself so far.

I committed to living a healthy life, I went for it, and I did it.

I opened up my journal to write my three words and this was the page I turned to. It couldn’t be more perfect.

I am writing today outside in my yard. I am enjoying the spring weather and watching my little guy play outside.

It has taken me over an hour to write this post because I keep stopping to watch Maddock. I am in awe of him.

He has run the entire circumference of the yard, climbed a tree, collected eggs from the chicken coop, played ball with the dogs, and now is digging for buried treasure.

He isn’t tired, and he hasn’t run out of ideas yet of things to do-or new things to explore.

I need to take a lesson from him. I could learn a lot from Maddock. How to be in the moment, how to make any ordinary space extraordinary, and how to make each and every moment enjoyable.

I could probably squash that “Ugly” voice in my head if I spent more time being present in each moment of my life.

5 Responses to “ALWAYS…”

  1. barbarapotter March 22, 2012 at 1:42 pm #

    Love this. I am smiling watching Maddock in my mind. He did that for me too when I baby-sat when you went to Mexico and he listened and wore his helmet and put it on himself (he refuses help) without me telling him more than once.

    I know that voice in your head very well. I can surely remember when you were little and you and your sister were going to dance school in New Jersey. “I can’t go” “Everyone will know how to dance already but me”. “They will laugh at me” so forth and so on. Well you went, you did great and nobody laughed. So glad you are putting the “always” to rest. You deserve it and you life will be as wonderful as you imagine it to be.

    • rachyrachp March 22, 2012 at 6:59 pm #

      Thanks mom. I remember those conversations with you all too well. I am so ready to put them to rest too!

  2. jamesvincentknowles March 22, 2012 at 3:04 pm #

    Encouragement, Rachel~! You’re very strong. Vulnerability is strength. We live in a society which very often (not always) puts out the message that to be vulnerable is to be weak. Nothing could be further from the truth. I’m amazed at the incredible love, strength, and supportive, encouraging empathy & compassion both you and your sister share … share with one another AND those of us who read both of your blogs~!

    I want to share a little something I found recently which you might want to check out: it’s a low budget documentary style film by Joe Cross. The title is, “Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.” I won’t say anything about it. It’s one of those things which are self explanatory. I’ll only say that i found it to be incredibly inspiring & amazingly encouraging … as are you.


    • rachyrachp March 22, 2012 at 6:59 pm #

      James, that film is one of my favorites. Are you kidding, those two guys INSPIRE!!!!!

      Thank you for your kind words dear friend 😉


  3. ManifestYogaJen March 22, 2012 at 3:31 pm #

    This is amazing

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