7 Apr

I have always understood my sisters hearing loss. I have always had compassion for her struggles, and as of late they apparently are my struggles too.

I have always had mild hearing loss. There are certain tones and pitches that I just can’t hear, no big deal right. I started to notice years ago that I also was beginning to have Tinnitus. It would come and go and I never paid it much mind. I always knew that after a concert there would be a few days where I had tunnel hearing and so on, but that always passed. Over the last few years it has gotten worse and worse. I am not quite sure what is happening but I do wonder if I am to follow in the footsteps of my sister and my aunt.

For the last week I have struggled with the worst case of Tinnitus that I have ever had. Not only does the ringing make me want to scream, but as of today I am almost completely deaf.

I really can’t hear.

Tonight I talked to my sister on the phone and I really felt like what it is to be in her shoes. I couldn’t understand anything she was telling me, and that was in my good ear. All the words were jumbled together. I asked her to repeat herself a dozen times and still I couldn’t make out the words. I can’t hear my phone ring, and I can’t hear what my children are saying to me.

My life is all about my ears. I am always listening to see what my children are doing, especially sweet Blaise. I can always hear him walking to the kitchen, even though everything is locked he still tries, but this week I can’t even hear his footsteps. That is rather scary.

I couldn’t hear myself breathing today. If not for the movement in my belly I would have thought that I had stopped breathing all together. What a scary place it is to live with one of your senses gone. I have prayed this week that this is only temporary, that this too shall pass. It is a frightening thought to have the loss of my hearing, or vision, or taste, smell or touch.

I always think of myself as somebody with enormous amounts of empathy and compassion. That being said until you experience something for yourself you never truly understand. I get it now. I really do understand what is like for those who have lost one of their senses.

Today while we were out with the children I called Blaise’s name. He never answered me. I started to get really frustrated and I asked myself, “Does he have hearing loss, or is he just ignoring me?” Years ago they said he had mild loss of a certain tone in one ear. I opted not to do the full test because it required sedation. Now I am fearful, does he have hearing loss too? Will Maddock having hearing loss too?

I am feeling overwhelmed by the sound in my head. I want to go to sleep and stay there all day, for it is the only time I can’t hear the ringing. When I am awake I am finding it hard to concentrate or focus. I am praying that this all ends soon. I am trying to figure out what my body is going through now. There is clearly some really big stuff happening emotionally and physically.



3 Responses to “Noises”

  1. Frank Gjata April 7, 2012 at 10:52 pm #

    Big hugs and big deeps breaths to you…Rachel and Jennifer.

  2. barbarapotter April 7, 2012 at 11:15 pm #

    Praying that your sinuses are acting up and it is just fluid. I know it is very frustrating for you. I feel this too shall pass. Love you.

  3. ManifestYogaJen April 8, 2012 at 10:41 am #

    Reblogged this on Manifestation Station and commented:
    This is a profound blog by my sister. She is a tremendous writer and this post affected me deeply. Add your comments if you are inspired ~jp

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