Oh happy Friday!
Yes, it was one of those days. It started off as a great day, but as sure as the day is long, something would go wrong. I decided to go visit my mother and father in law with the kids this afternoon. When they offered to take us to dinner I was ecstatic. I get to eat and I have no dishes to do afterwards. So off we all went. Dinner went well and we followed it up with a quick haircut for Blaise then off we went home. I had a strange feeling when I pulled up to the house, something just didn’t feel right. It only took me a few minutes to figure out why I felt that something was a miss inside. Oh, yes the power had been shut off.
YES, I FORGOT TO PAY THE BILL.
I had the money to pay the bill, but just literally FORGOT.
I have spent the last 3.5 hours sitting in silence, and then eventually sitting in the silent darkness waiting for the power to be cut back on. The kids actually fell asleep really early so I had plenty of time to sit and reflect.
Lately I have been making all kinds of mistakes like this in my life. I have forgotten to pay bills, not realized I had a doctor’s appointment, forgot to refill medications, forgot to give medications, not turned in paperwork on time, and everything else you can think of forgetting to do in a day. I am overwhelmed with all the duties in my life lately. It is just like Iyanla Vanzant spoke about on Oprah‘s Lifeclass a few weeks ago, I can’t always be strong, and I don’t have to be. There are months when all goes right and I am on my “A” game, then there are times where I am up to bat and striking out every time. I really need to find a happy balance between the two scenarios.
While I sat in the dark I thought about all the people who didn’t just forget to pay their bill, the people who just couldn’t afford their bill. They wouldn’t be able to get their power turned back on that day like I did, they truly would be in the dark until they could come up with the money. I really feel for those families. It is a horrible feeling to sit in the dark. It pains me that anybody should ever have to sit in the dark because they are struggling financially. I know of so many families who have children with medical conditions and are over run with medical expenses that sometimes they can’t pay their bills. They should never be without power, this makes my heart ache. These are some of the things I was feeling tonight, I experienced a host of emotions while I was alone with myself.
Not only do I find it very creepy to be in complete darkness, like horror movie creepy, but it is really lonely.
I couldn’t get over this really strange sense of loneliness that came over me in the darkness. It was unusually silent in my house. The children were sleeping and there was obviously no form of media running in the house. There was no humming from the lights or the fridge, and all the animals were unusually silent. All I could hear was my breathing and the faint sounds of the bugs outside. I realized just how uncomfortable I was in the complete silence. The silence is not a typical part of my world, nor is the darkness. There is always talking, music, television, computers, cellphones, and animal sounds abound in my world. I was so far out of my comfort zone tonight and it really got me thinking. Exactly what is it about the silence that makes me feel so out of sync? I have decided to face this issue head on. I am going to start sitting in silence for at least 20 minutes everyday, complete silence. I am going to sit in silence and just listen to the sounds of my breath and see where this leads me.
I love being on this crazy journey to a truly conscious way of living. I can turn a lousy thing like losing my electricity today into an experience to learn more about my SELF.