I can’t believe I am actually halfway through yoga teacher training.
I can’t believe how it has turned out to be nothing that I expected, and everything that I dreamed for.
This journey is such a powerful one. There is much work to be done, and I am happy to be getting busy doing it.
I will not reveal all the intimacies of my individual teacher training, but I will say that it has been a sublime experience. I am most definitely not the same woman I was when it all began. This past weekend in particular really stirred up the pot within me. So here I am on this Monday afternoon and I am experiencing a whole host of emotions and physically altered. I spent the vast majority of my weekend and the week prior working on “OPENING THOSE HIPS.”
It has been said that hip openers are big on releasing emotions. I have been slowly getting rid of so much stuff, but this weekend was like I cleared out the house and had a major estate sale on pent-up feelings and junk.
I have physically never felt so open in my hips before. It is a liberating feeling. I am walking differently and feel much more centered. I love the evolution. I love watching myself from the outside as I shift and change and become the woman I see in my dreams.
I am an anxious person, and having 2 very demanding children has left me feeling frazzled and depleted on more and more days lately. Everybody under the sun told me to start meditating. Well, for some that might be an easy task, not for me. I am the person who just can’t shut the brain off, I can’t cease the conversation in my head, not even in my sleep. That is until last week. YES!!! I was finally taught to meditate, and to my chagrin I could actually accomplish a meditation. I felt like I had climbed Mt. Everest. I can only say. I have been meditating for a little over a week and the changes within myself are very noticeable and pleasing.
I am here at the table and a storm is brewing outside and inside, literally. I am unshaken. Maddock is screaming and yelling and hitting and I am a rock, impenetrable. I no longer have that feeling that I am going to explode and burst into a million little pieces. I feel like those old school clown toys that you used to punch and bounced right back up. Not that I am a doormat, but I can take a lickin’ and keep on ticking. I can’t wait to see where this journey leads me, just how far I can go with myself, to discover my true divine self.
I have spent a considerable amount of time lately frustrated with people who are uncomfortable with the fact that I am changing. So I made a choice as to how I would let this affect me. I chose to send them love. They are either scared of what they don’t know or understand, or scared that I am going to leave to go off in search of some higher spiritual enlightenment. In reality I am on a spiritual journey, but it is all in an effort to be a better human while I am on this planet. I am in awe of the possibilities that exist when I the best version of myself. What careers are out there for me? What new friends are awaiting me? What new journey is there waiting to be taken? I am full of joy at the possibility of clearing out the old to make room for all the new. It is totally awesome, for lack of a better word. Yes, there are plenty of “not so awesome” days to get through to the good stuff, but I am grateful for it all. I am grateful for all the experiences that come my way because I am here to experience them. I realize that I am only 4 years younger than my amazing dad was when his body left this earth. I am committed to filling my life and my heart with as much love and life as possible. I want to pass on to my children to fully live their lives with integrity, joy, happiness and fun. I think the best way to accomplish this goal is to lead by example so here I am.
I am welcoming a career that I love that will provide for my family. I am welcoming having children who know what it means to truly love who you are, as you are. I welcome the opportunity to live a life where work is a choice and not a “have to.” I welcome waking up every morning and being excited to start the day, even if that day is filled with the not fun stuff in life. I welcome being completely able to change and shift and grow until the day my human self leaves this earth.
They don’t call it a yoga practice for nothing, or a meditation practice or the like. This stuff takes work, commitment to yourself and those around you. I see the bigger picture. I see the end. I see how I have already made my life richer and fuller just by learning to live to be my authentic self. Scared, inspired, liberated, nervous, and hopeful. That is all me, oh there is so much more, but for the sake of not writing novel I will leave the rest to the imagination.