I believe there are some people who manage the stress of life and never let it get to a dangerous level. I believe there are people who don’t let stress effect them at all, and then there are the people who push it down and down until eventually they explode or sometimes it feels like an implosion.
I was told yesterday that I am a caretaker. I was told that being the mother of two young children is challenging enough, then you add a medical condition or special needs in the mix and it’s a whole new bag of worms. I was telling this woman that I am tired, depleted, feeling as if I have cracked and can’t snap out of it. She told me that was common for caretakers, that we are often tired, overwhelmed, and drained of energy.
I don’t mind being a caretaker, in fact it is quite an honor, but I have decided to not make apologies anymore. I am taking the time to heal. I DESERVE IT. I need to heal my soul, my spirit, and my physical body.
Yoga and meditation have been a life saver for me. When I am in the yoga studio the whole entire world melts away. All the stress of my life just disappears and I am totally present in doing the practice. When I am meditating it is my time, my time to heal, my time to go inward and get what I need.
I realize that I struggle with that. I struggle with just merely saying, I am tired I need rest. I am tired I don’t want to cook tonight, I am tired I want to sit quietly alone, or I am tired and I just don’t have any energy to hug or be there for you.
It’s ok. Remember we can’t give from what we don’t have.
I don’t know if it’s my age, or just my commitment to my life, or renewed commitment to myself, but I am deep in the healing process. I am more alive than I have ever been before while simultaneously going to places that I have shut down or never even opened before.
As my yoga teacher training progresses I am not only pushing my body to new physical limits but my mind as well. There is so much more to yoga than just the asana practice. For me it is a way of living. How can I best serve my spirit, my body, and those around me?This is the reality I live in nowadays. I am in love with it all.
I do believe that the extreme fatigue I am feeling is a by product of an extremely deep detoxification of the soul, and eventually purification.
I believe something very powerful happened to me recently. I don’t want to call it a nervous breakdown, but more like a “nervous breakthrough!” Something very powerful just clicked inside me. I just knew it right at that moment that I needed to heal, slow down, and move forward. It was an earth moving sensation and I haven’t stopped to look back. I am deserving, I am deserving, I am deserving. This is my mantra currently. It is helping me deal with the guilt of asking for what I should always have readily available, time to love and nourish myself.
So I will end this post tonight with all my fellow caretakers in mind. Before you all go to bed tonight say the mantra to yourself at least 3 times.
I AM DESERVING, I AM DESERVING, I AM DESERVING.