Jealousy & Letting Go

6 Jun
1.jealous  resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another’s success or advantage itself.
2.mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry,unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.
3.vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.
4.a jealous  feeling, disposition, state, or mood.
Where does this show up in your life or my life?

I don’t typically consider myself a jealous person, however as of this week I am beginning to wonder if I too get jealous.


On Monday I took the kids to the jumping house and I watched all the typical kids playing. I watched my typical son play along side all the children. I watched my “special” child try to interact with the other children as they shunned him.
Ouch!!! The pain in my heart comes back like a stab in the chest. Then here comes the mean and ugly jealous voice in my head. Why, why do all these kids get to be typical? Why do they get to run and play and do whatever they want? Then I asked if it was a summer camp, it was, actually a from a school my friend sends her daughters too. Highly reputable and well received in the state. So I asked if they take kids with special needs, without even missing a breath, the answer was NO!!!
Jealousy again rears its ugly head!

I just felt so hurt and jealous of the other children. Now today I am feeling that same feeling again, only this time it is not about my child it is about me. Old feelings of wanting to belong, wanting to fit in, jealousy of what others have or what others do.
This is all part of what I do everyday as I work on living a life of yoga. I try to practice all the principles of living an “enlightened” or “healthy” life, but I am still human. My feelings still get hurt, and I still wonder why, a lot.
This past weekend in training we learned about AparigrahaThis was the last of the Yamas out of the Yoga Sutras. It is apparently the easiest to explain, and the hardest to attain.
My wonderful friend Karen did an amazing presentation on this Yama. She told the story of the monkey trapping in India:
Let go of your Banana.

In India there are a lot of monkeys. When the locals want to catch one, they anchor a bottle to the ground. The neck of the bottle is just large enough for a monkey’s hand to fit through. Then, they put a small banana in the bottle, sit back and wait.

The Monkey Trap.Before long a monkey comes by, sees the banana, reaches his hand into the bottle, and grabs it. But then, the monkey discovers that he can’t get his hand out of the bottle while holding onto the banana. There is loud chattering and squealing as the person who set the trap walks up to the monkey and places a burlap sack over him. In the darkness the monkey releases the banana and is captured.

The monkey could, of course, let go of the banana and run before getting caught. Some do. But most of the monkeys hang on to the banana until the sack goes over their head. Why? Because the banana has value to the monkey a

So my wonderful friend gave me this handout and it said the following:
Are there people in your life that you feel attached to in a way that causes pain or stress for you or them? Are you being overly possessive: Can your practice loving them without clinging or controlling? What would that look like and how would it shift your relationship? 

I would like to add to that how would it look if you just let go. Let go all the way and wished them well and moved forward. Not kinda sorta, but really just LET GO!
Well this is where I am today. I am letting go. Not an easy task, and not one that feels completely right. It is time I let go of my banana?
What is your banana?
How are jealousy and attachment connected, and why?
I would love to get some feedback on this one.

12 Responses to “Jealousy & Letting Go”

  1. Dottie Wagner June 6, 2012 at 8:24 pm #

    Rachel, this is a wonderful and timely post for me as I was experiencing jealousy earlier today. It was jealousy related to relationships. Lunching with some friends, it became clear to me that 2 of them had been in touch with each other and communicating about their lives, but no one had contacted me. It stings even though I try to talk to myself about letting go, not grasping, etc. I was thinking that there must be some balancing point between letting yourself feel this pain and letting it go, but I don’t know where that is. That feeling of being left out is a powerful one for me. If you find some good ways to deal with it, let me know!!
    Also just want to let you know how much I enjoy reading your posts!

    • rachyrachp June 6, 2012 at 9:12 pm #

      I can’t wait till one day we meet in person. There are no accidents in life. I knew I would not be alone in feeling this way.



  2. jamesvincentknowles June 6, 2012 at 8:40 pm #

    This is a tough one, Rachel. I’ve never thought of myself as being jealous. I’ve been divorced twice and though both times there were some feelings of jealousy involved, I can truthfully say both women WANTED me to be jealous. Dauntingly taunting me with the very words, “aren’t you jealous?” when suggesting they might want more attention or if they didn’t get what they wanted from me, (usually more of something to “make them happy”), they might go be with someone else. When I look back on those incidents, and I can promise you I don’t have any emotions about them remaining nor do I ever think about either marriage anymore, both times the primary feelings I had were of confusion and unreality.

    In other words, neither marriage was working and neither relationship felt good at all anymore. Both times it was just time to let go. It was indeed painful, but we just didn’t fit anymore.

    But more recently in my life a different circumstance occurred. But this wasn’t a relationship, it was more of an acquaintance. Someone I’d never even met. It was an unusual situation, not nearly as emotionally charged as what you’ve described but I believe, in terms of personal perception … how it felt to me … it was very, very similar.

    Essentially I felt, I suppose the best way to describe it would be betrayed. I felt I’d been totally entrapped. Like the monkey in your story above, I’d been shown the banana and then captured with a bad over my head.

    And I was. It was almost magnificent in its execution. And even though I could totally prove my perception was correct, that I’d been set up and manipulated, I finally realized that if I’d gotten what I thought I was jealous of, I would not have been happy with that situation anyway.

    I realized that I have to stay focused on my own present time and my own gifts. That what other people do, say, think, take from me, don’t give to me, however they may use me or abuse me or simply discard me, it just does not matter.

    I realized I have tremendous talents and gifts that no one else has. I realized that there could even be those who are jealous of me. I realized that feeling of jealousy and feeling trapped was not allowing me to be in present time, to be here now, to be my most awesome self.

    It doesn’t matter even that they think they got away with it nor does it matter that they got what they wanted. What matters is that I be grateful for what I’ve got, and value it, do something powerful with it. Do something that makes me feel proud of myself. Do something that brings goodness to others.

    Just today something happened that made me feel a twinge of jealousy. And when I did I realized that letting it go was the only thing that would make me happy.

    I can turn that thought of jealousy around and start thinking of creative and imaginative things I can do with what I’ve got and stop comparing my stuff to other’s stuff. I think we sometimes forget those we’re jealous of, even the ones who want us to be jealous of them, are really the small, weak people. Strong people have empathy and compassion and tell the truth and care about one another. They notice stuff and give back love when someone looks hurt.

    It’s hard to attract love when we exhibit anger or jealousy. Jealousy never does anyone any good, seeing our own gifts seems to always bring peace.

    Hope you find this at least somewhat soothing without false praise. You’ve got a tough job being a mother, even tougher with your situation. I’ll bet you, however, that if you really take a good look, you’ll see there’s something extra powerfully good about your self that others would be jealous of if they knew you.



    • rachyrachp June 6, 2012 at 9:12 pm #

      You are the bomb!

      • jamesvincentknowles June 7, 2012 at 12:18 am #

        YOU are~!

        ps … s (I forgot the “s” on my name…) hahaha… silly me~!

      • rachyrachp June 7, 2012 at 2:55 pm #

        You are the best champion for me. Thank you so much for always being there to cheer me on. YOU ROCK!

  3. Terri Biswas June 6, 2012 at 11:19 pm #

    Rach, I think you are the bomb my friend, so glad that you’ve been a part of my life for many years now. 🙂 I know I need to learn to let go as well, easier said than done. Love reading your blog 🙂

    • rachyrachp June 7, 2012 at 2:55 pm #

      Love you dearly Terri. We have grown together over the last 5 years, with many more wonderful years to come. Much love to you always.

  4. nikky44 June 7, 2012 at 11:24 am #

    “Old feelings of wanting to belong, wanting to fit in, jealousy of what others have or what others do.” I do feel some kind of jealousy, but it is not the jealousy of what others have or do. I would only be jealous of the attention others get while I am ignored

  5. rachyrachp June 7, 2012 at 2:55 pm #



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