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Living in Fear

30 Jul
Yoga Class at a Gym

Yoga Class at a Gym (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I woke up from a nightmare this morning. It was your typical, run of the mill anxiety dreams. I finish my teacher training next Saturday, and the anxiety is kicking in full gear. My dream went a little something like this. I booked a yoga private at a small company. I arrive at the job and have forgotten all my yoga props and clothes. I decide to make it work only to find out that I can’t remember anything, and apparently can’t even get them to one pose. I am immediately fired and that is where the story ends. Yes, I knew right away it was a common anxiety dream, but that didn’t subdue the panic inside for the rest of the day.

Hours had gone by since I had my dream of “ultimate” failure, and I started having a flood of memories, not the good kind. I couldn’t stop thinking of an earlier time in my life that was very painful, a time where I made more mistakes than good choices. I automatically started feeling as if I couldn’t breathe. All of the old feelings came pouring into me like over flow water from a storm drain. I could not contain them and they just began spilling out everywhere. I could not believe that I was allowing my thoughts to run astray and take hold of me.

I knew exactly where this was going. This was the ‘self sabotage’ train and it was running full steam ahead. Of course I would not succeed as a yoga teacher, blah-blah-blah, you know the rest. Look at all these mistakes I made, look at all the failures I had, and the embarrassment I feel just to think of it. Who am I to have success in my life? Who am I to be good at something? Who am I to destroy the image I have of myself, the image that stays with me like a red wine stain on your white jeans.

Who am I not to?

I just can’t live in that space anymore. I won’t live in that space anymore. I could see it as it was happening, I could feel it inside of me and I recognized it immediately. It was my old friend fear trying to finagle its’ way back into my life. I am not willing to be friends with fear anymore. A nice healthy dose of fear is great to get you motivated and kick your tush into high gear, but take it too far and it is crippling.

I have no choice but take a leap of faith with my life. I have no choice but to throw my fear out the window and declare that I shall succeed, with no guarantee of the outcome. I predict many more dreams in the coming days and weeks, and I will thank them and wish them well. Thank you dreams for reminding me of the excitement and uncertainty of life, but I won’t let fear live rent free in my head anymore.

That being said I want to say this:

Namaste to the amazing 24 people who I shared this teacher training with and all the  souls who will be lucky enough to have them lead you in a yoga class one day. I declare continued growth, love, and success to all of them.

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5 Responses to “Living in Fear”

  1. barbarapotter July 30, 2012 at 9:47 pm #

    I am so proud of you and your determination. You are wonderful and will be/are an amazing yoga teacher just like you are an amazing mom to a special needs child. You have climbed Mt. Everest and planted your flag. It is there to stay.

  2. Diane July 30, 2012 at 11:27 pm #

    You are my hero 🙂 you will be a fantastic teacher because this dream and this lesson you can share with your students

    • rachyrachp July 31, 2012 at 7:40 am #

      That feeling is so mutual. 😉

  3. Jo Ellen Corcoran July 31, 2012 at 1:28 am #

    wow… wow.. just what I am experiencing… I, too am doing something new… and yesterday I had a day just like that… first of all, it really bothered me because I couldn’t shake it… what are you doing?? are you crazy?? I was aware of what I was thinking, and I continued… hmmmm. I’m really appreciative this doesn’t happen very often…
    I agree with you… It’s over… I choose to take the Leap Of Faith.. Thank You.

    • rachyrachp July 31, 2012 at 7:41 am #

      Jo Ellen, we can leap together. 😉

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