I woke up from a nightmare this morning. It was your typical, run of the mill anxiety dreams. I finish my teacher training next Saturday, and the anxiety is kicking in full gear. My dream went a little something like this. I booked a yoga private at a small company. I arrive at the job and have forgotten all my yoga props and clothes. I decide to make it work only to find out that I can’t remember anything, and apparently can’t even get them to one pose. I am immediately fired and that is where the story ends. Yes, I knew right away it was a common anxiety dream, but that didn’t subdue the panic inside for the rest of the day.
Hours had gone by since I had my dream of “ultimate” failure, and I started having a flood of memories, not the good kind. I couldn’t stop thinking of an earlier time in my life that was very painful, a time where I made more mistakes than good choices. I automatically started feeling as if I couldn’t breathe. All of the old feelings came pouring into me like over flow water from a storm drain. I could not contain them and they just began spilling out everywhere. I could not believe that I was allowing my thoughts to run astray and take hold of me.
I knew exactly where this was going. This was the ‘self sabotage’ train and it was running full steam ahead. Of course I would not succeed as a yoga teacher, blah-blah-blah, you know the rest. Look at all these mistakes I made, look at all the failures I had, and the embarrassment I feel just to think of it. Who am I to have success in my life? Who am I to be good at something? Who am I to destroy the image I have of myself, the image that stays with me like a red wine stain on your white jeans.
Who am I not to?
I just can’t live in that space anymore. I won’t live in that space anymore. I could see it as it was happening, I could feel it inside of me and I recognized it immediately. It was my old friend fear trying to finagle its’ way back into my life. I am not willing to be friends with fear anymore. A nice healthy dose of fear is great to get you motivated and kick your tush into high gear, but take it too far and it is crippling.
I have no choice but take a leap of faith with my life. I have no choice but to throw my fear out the window and declare that I shall succeed, with no guarantee of the outcome. I predict many more dreams in the coming days and weeks, and I will thank them and wish them well. Thank you dreams for reminding me of the excitement and uncertainty of life, but I won’t let fear live rent free in my head anymore.
That being said I want to say this:
Namaste to the amazing 24 people who I shared this teacher training with and all the souls who will be lucky enough to have them lead you in a yoga class one day. I declare continued growth, love, and success to all of them.