In one hour I will leave to go to the doctor. I have been waiting for this appointment for over 3 weeks.
I will find out the results of the ultrasound performed on my throat and abdomen. I will hear the results of all my blood tests, and if I am lucky I will get the results of my echocardiogram too. I am not necessarily excited about all this, but very anxious to hear the news.
The past month has forced me to examine some harsh realities about my body, my life, and my past. When I realized that there was something definitely off in my body I just figured it was maybe a nutritional deficiency. Finally my body was screaming at me to go to the doctor, and I did.
I sat there as they ran countless tests on me and tried to remain calm and positive. I am faced with the reality that I may have an auto immune disorder affecting my thyroid and possibly my G.I. tract. I also have gall stones(that was a shock). I will also find out today if I need to have a biopsy done on the cysts they found on my thyroid. None of these conditions is life threatening if treated properly.
The doctor told me he strongly suspects I have the auto immune thyroid condition and that I need to get off gluten immediately. As the weeks have gone on I have also eliminated soy. I have a feeling that I am saying my good-byes to dairy too. Sure all of this is no big deal, not life threatening, but it is a change.
I am faced with the possibility that I created these health issues in my body. I am replaying all the years of neglect on my body and the damage that I may have done to my insides. When we are young we think we are invincible. For me I most definitely took that to the extreme. I am almost 7 months without a cigarette, but what about all the years I did smoke, where has that left me? Ugh, I don’t like thinking of all this. What about all the late nights and the poor food choices? What about all the years I didn’t drink enough water and starved myself for the promise of being skinny? What about all the years I have neglected my stomach issues, issues that clearly needed attention? Most on my mind is the many years of stress that my body has been under, what has that done to me?
I have been in fight or flight mode for at least the last 10 years. The last 6 months have been a much calmer time in my life, but is it too late to undo the damage? These are all the conversations that are swirling around in my head.
I am ready for an answer to what has been plaguing my health all these years, I am ready to start the healing process. I will do whatever it takes. I will eliminate whatever I have to in my diet. I will practice living a calm and meditative lifestyle. I will get adequate sleep and drink lots of water. I will do it all.
I feel like I am bartering with God now to help me undo the bad choices I made with my body. I am begging for a second chance to treat my body like the temple it is, and stay here on earth for a long time.
I realize that this is coming up for me because I am a mom, health issues scare me. The thought of not being around for my boys is terrifying. My mortality is becoming more and more real everyday that I inch closer to being 38 years old, the age my father was when he died. I am 34 years old now, the age my mother was when she became a widow with an 8-year-old and a 5-year-old daughter. My mortality is more real now than ever before.
I am asking for a do-over. A second chance to take tender loving care of my body and my soul. I am living my life as if that second chance has already been granted.