Over the past week I have read numerous articles online regarding women and their weight. I have read article after article about eating disorders and yoga. I keep reading these works and hoping that they will somehow seep into my soul and magically heal me.
Since I began my path of healing through yoga I have had so many ups and downs. I have had moments of immense light and had a few dark nights of the soul.
One thing I desperately miss about being in teacher training is the safe secure womb you are in during that period. I had this amazing nest of souls who just with their mere presence in your life transform you into a fearless being. I found that most of my physical insecurities disappeared during those 5 months. With all of those obstacles out-of-the-way I was able to work on healing the inner ME my true SELF.
Now many months later I am back in the real world. The world where I am staring a new business, a mother, a wife, have deadlines and bills to pay. What happens? All those little insecurities begin to creep back in one by one.
I have written about my medical issues that have plagued my life over the past few years. I have struggled lately with a freak weight gain and as of last week I have gained yet more weight. The doctors have no idea what is causing all of this sudden change in my body. The tests are out and we wait again for results to come in.
The sudden change in my appearance has really put my yoga practice to the test. I keep coming back to the Niyama of Santosha, or contentment. I am working on and off the mat to be content with where I am NOW.
I seek contentment with my physical self the way it is, even if I am 20 pounds heavier than I was before. I seek contentment on the mat with not being able to perform particular postures. I seek contentment with the pace of my journey, knowing that it is more important than reaching my destination.
I am also human, and I am most definitely in a bit of a power struggle with myself now.
I was scanning the TV today and came across a tv show where they were helping a woman learn to dress more appropriately. The girl on the screen was so beautiful and curvy. As the interview went on you could see the pain she felt deep inside her soul. She hated her body, she hated what she saw, she saw absolutely nothing of worth in the craft that was given to her. She spoke of how she had no full length mirrors in her house and she never looked at herself from the neck down. My heart ached for her, she was indeed truly beautiful but she did not see herself that way. This is not what I want for myself. This is not the road I want to travel.
When I went to the doctor last week they put me on the scale. According to the doctor I am OVERWEIGHT. Yikes. Immediately I came home and felt different. Why do we fall into this trap. I have made a promise to myself to not get on the scale anymore, and I haven’t.
I am a yoga teacher. I do practice what I teach. I am going to use my practice to come to a higher place. I am going to use my practice to learn to love myself in a way that I have never been able to do before. I am going to step on my mat everyday and practice Santosha. I can find peace with where I am now.
I will call upon Lord Ganesha to help me remove all obstacles in my path.