I have spent many hours contemplating whether or not I should write this piece. I have gone back and forth in my head about the repercussions of writing such a thing. I almost put pen to paper, or fingers to keys this summer, but alas I stopped myself. I think I finally came to terms with what it is that was holding me back. It is always the same thing.
What will THEY think of me?
I will be 35 years old in 9 days. I believe after 35 years on this earth I need not care what people think. I need only care about what it is that brings me joy, what it is that inspires me, and what it is that is part of my purpose here on earth.
Do you believe in the mind body connection? I absolutely do, I absolutely do.
5 weeks ago I became ill, and haven’t gotten better. It seems that all of my myseterious symptoms from the last 6 years have come home to roost all together now. After many doctor appointments I ended up at the neurologist running through every test possible. As I sat and listened to the doctor say to me that he is going to tell it to me straight, “I am looking for some very serious things here, cancer, brain tumors, MS and so on.” He then left the room. It was as if my insides began to convulse and found their way to the outside of my body.
Cancer and Brain Tumors, oh no this is not in my plans. I will not be fitting those things into my week, ok.
I wept in my mothers arms, the tears came out of me while my body shook. I wanted to make it stop. I wanted the noise in my head to go away. I just kept hearing cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer. Such a bad dream.
Ever since that moment I realized that life is really too short. I know I have a purpose here on earth and life is short. When you get sick and are in limbo you realize there is no time to waste. I need to get busy living and get busy being real, again. Today I picked up my “Light on Yoga” book and started reading again. I was reading some of my favorite parts about the Yama’s and Niyama’s. I always come back to the Yama, Satya, this also happened to be my speech in teacher training.
Satya, truth, truthfulness and honesty.
So here goes what it is that I have been holding back all these years.
Exactly 7 years ago today was the last time I touched a substance. I can feel my heart beating out of my chest now as I write this, my hands are shaking and I feel dizzy. It is a hard thing to share and let go off. 7 years ago today I was an addict. 7 years ago today I was living in a world of sadness, loneliness, danger and fear.
One day I woke up and realized that this couldn’t be my purpose, this couldn’t be what I was born to do. I called my sister on the phone and said I am done. I need some strength and love and there she was to be by my side. I was ready to feel love again in my life, I was ready to feel safe again in my life, and I was ready to be the woman I was before I fell into my Alice in Wonderland hole and followed the rabbit for tea.
I have never looked back and never thought twice about my decision. Now here I am 7 years later. A better woman, a woman with love, a woman with purpose, and a woman who found her courage.
As I drove down to Florida today for my son’s doctor appointment the date hit me on the head. I looked up the endless sky in the flat boring land that goes on for miles in South Georgia, and thought to myself, “Girl you have come so far and it feels damn good.”
I love who I am and I don’t look back and hate who I was before. I feel sad when I think of that version of myself, but I still love that Rachel. I am a warrior. I look back and show my gratitude for that version of me. I look back at that Rachel, the one who weighed 100lbs, the one who watched too many sunrises and sunsets with no break in between, and the one who felt disappointment from her loved ones, and I am grateful for her. She was such a lesson to be learned.
I WAS AN ADDICT
I was an addict. I was not the fist rate version of myself that I strive for in my life. After 7 years I finally get it, it doesn’t matter. I am not that Rachel anymore. I am not the Rachel I was 5 minutes ago. I get to practice Satya every moment of my life, and I chose to start here.
I am released of this burden and guilt. I am better for owning my life and the woman who resides in this body.