Hide and Seek

13 Feb

The boat ride leaving the yoga retreat in Mexico lasted a lifetime. I watched as the palapa’s in the mountain became smaller and more difficult to make out. The tops of the mountains began to disappear into the clouds. I felt the wind whipping across my face and into my eyes as they grew heavy with sadness. It was a life changing experience for me. It felt like my own tiny piece of heaven, I wasn’t ready to come back down to earth yet. I left with two temporary tattoos on my arm, one of them read: COURAGE.

My sticky note from Mexico reads:


I came back home and that tattoo stayed on my inner arm for almost a week. When the letters started to fade, when they started to peel off my skin, I felt a sense of loss. What was the next thing I needed to do? What could I do to get them back? The only obvious choice for me was to get the real thing done. I called up my tattoo artist and said I am coming back in, I just been in a few months earlier for a large piece on my shoulder. I had a beautiful cherry blossom and the jewish symbol CHAI placed on my right shoulder. Symbolizing for me new beginnings and embracing all the best that my life has to offer.  I wanted the word COURAGE tattooed on my right wrist. I wanted it facing me. I want to see those words blaring at me when ever I use my hand. I want a constant reminder of what is possible for me. Oh and by the way put a heart and a dove with it. Let’ s add some love and hope with that courage.


A year has passed since that tattoo needle pierced my skin and forever imprinted my courage. I found my courage in a myriad of places in the past 365 days. I found most times when I never even thought it was there. A year has passed, another long year. Another year full of opportunity to rise up with my courage.

Time makes things dwindle. Too much time can suck the inspiration out of you. With each day passing your courage can get eaten by its evil twins fear and doubt. At times I am playing hide and seek with my courage. It’s mine,  I am frustrated that I can’t find it. Where did you go? Why do you allude me, why when I need you most?

Here is a quote from Brene Brown. When I read her words it hit me like the slap in my face from my mother when I was 15. I had pushed her to the limit, there was anywhere left for her to go. It was eye-opening and life altering. I had to make a shift. I had to weave my courage into every thing that I was.

The root of the word courage is cor—the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage literally had a very different definition than it does today. Courage originally meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” Over time, this definition has actually changed, and today, courage is synonymous with being heroic or performing brave deeds

I have fallen of course just slightly. I had temporarily lost my courage. It takes practice for me to keep it so close to my heart. I struggle with consistency like that. My courage is calling me. I believe in the motto ‘Fake it till you make it’ but, I don’t want to fake it anymore. I desire the freedom that comes with speaking ones mind and telling ones heart. I long for that full and total expression of joy that comes with owning up to who you are and what you stand for.

I am peeking over the edge now. Lately I have noticed hints of that courage popping up in my life. I want to turn those hints into full-blown courage attacks.

Attacks of massive courage that take complete control over my soul.

Are you ready for your courage attack?


4 Responses to “Hide and Seek”

  1. barbarapotter February 13, 2013 at 12:47 pm #

    Love this beautiful. You are courageous my dear. You just don’t realize how much yet.
    Also please note that was the one and only time I ever lost it with you:) You are making strides and they will keep getting bigger. Love you.

  2. jamesvincentknowles February 13, 2013 at 8:23 pm #

    Great writing, Rachel! Really truly true.

    I’d like to share something with you here & now, hope you won’t mind?

    Recently, during a long & sometimes extremely painful recovery process I got to a place where I was able to find compassion for myself for the first time in my life. That led to my being able to forgive myself. Getting to compassion though, that took some fair amount of courage. It was worth giving up fear, doubt, the “not-good-enoughs,” blame, shame, regret, complaining, seeking sympathy, & all the other punishments we do to ourselves. All the crap that makes believe we deserve to live in so much pain we are willing to live in anger & pain all the while telling ourselves we aren’t courageous enough or worthy enough nor worthy of our own compassion .

    Your writing voice tells me you have plenty if courage. Find your own compassion for yourself & see what happens, see what your heart can do for Rachel.

    You know that thing? The “know thyself / love thyself” thing? That other thing too, that “love yourself first” thing

    You get there via compassion for self. We really cannot truly love anyone including ourselves until we first embrace compassion & forgive ourselves first. That’s where real change begins.

    Love to you. Please be gentle with yourself, you are the most valuable being in the universe!

    • rachyrachp February 13, 2013 at 8:24 pm #

      Beautiful thank you!

  3. Jo Ellen Corcoran February 13, 2013 at 9:18 pm #

    let’s have a massive courage attack together… Who knows what would come out of it.. James has “got it” with compassion.. A key to living a simply life.. You are soo special.

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