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Will You Forgive?

16 Feb

Saturday night and I am cozy in my bed with my two little kittens by my side. It is freezing outside. A beautiful sunny day has turned into a cloudy and bitterly cold evening. I turned up the heat and got under the blankets. I am all alone in my room as I turn on the Beyonce interview on OWN. She spends quite a bit of time talking about her daughter and being a mom and all that comes with being a parent.

There was a scene where Beyonce is filming herself at home in her bed. She looks at the camera and talks about feeling the baby move for the first time, the excitement that comes with those first kicks.

I immediately shutter. I try not to think about things like that regarding my own pregnancies. I have not forgiven myself yet.

I have not forgiven myself yet.

My sister wrote a beautiful essay about our sweet angel Ronan and his passing on February 15th. She wrote  when something like this happens, when a child dies, you realize why lie. Why lie about anything.So here I am. Being as real and raw as I can be. As I sat and watch this woman on television talk about how she felt her baby kick and how exciting that was I realize that I still feel like a failure. I feel like I let Blaise down. Why wasn’t I one of those women counting every kick, monitoring every moment in the womb. If I had would things have been different? Could I have changed things in his life? Would I have saved him and I from three years of suffering. All of the tests were fine when I was pregnant. I did feel his body move inside me, but there were no big baby kicks, like the ones everybody talks about. Some babies are quiet in the womb, the doctors told me .

Why didn’t I question that more? Why didn’t I push more? Why didn’t I do more. More Period.

It still weighs on me that he wasn’t diagnosed with Prader Willi Syndrome for three years. Of course it took me a year of testing to get that diagnosis. I did all I could once I knew there was work to be done, but there is always the feeling of not soon enough. It still weighs me down in my few moments alone. I still feel that it was up to me to protect him, and I didn’t, not soon enough.I try not to watch things regarding pregnancies. They bring up such raw and unnerving feelings for me. I push these things down and away. I want to believe that I have come to terms with the way things transpired in my life, in his life. Things happen exactly as they are supposed to, I want to believe this, but I  am left feeling that I got it wrong somewhere.

I don’t wan to lie anymore. I still feel that in some way I could have done more. It leaves me feeling incomplete. I want to say that I have been the best most powerful and dedicated mother. I worry sometimes that I wasn’t dedicated enough or strong enough in the beginning, in the first moments when it mattered the most. Does that set the stage for the future?

This is the most honest and human I can be.

Where is your honesty wanting to come out. Post below and share it now.

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7 Responses to “Will You Forgive?”

  1. barbarapotter February 16, 2013 at 9:33 pm #

    Rach first of all Blaise has a genetic disorder and that was determined the second the egg was fertilized. He never received part of the 15th chromosome from his father. Boom…deletion and there we have it, nothing you could have said or would done could have changed things. I know you feel if he were diagnosed sooner he could have started on GH sooner and what differences that would make will never be known….but you tried. He was in the NICU and later you went to see specialists asking “what’s wrong with my son” etc and everyone said nothing, or you are just feeding him too much, etc. You tried and tried until finally you got an answer. You are a terrific mom and I would want everyone to know it would take a lot of strength and courage to stand in your shoes . You are amazing. Nothing to forgive. I love you and my sweet Blaise

  2. icanseealotoflifeinyou February 16, 2013 at 10:31 pm #

    Your son is gorgeous! I love to read about the way you love him, and it sounds to me like you do a great job at it.

    I can’t forgive myself for being me. I can’t forgive myself for being pathetic enough to write something like that. I can’t forgive myself for being the ugliest version of me. I can’t forgive myself for having a partner I love, a job, no one I really love being sick at the moment, a home…and still feeling like shit all the time. I can’t forgive myself for being me. So that kind of leaves me at an impasse.

    • rachyrachp February 16, 2013 at 10:47 pm #

      Wow. There is no more authentic way to be than to write what you did. It is better to be authentic than lie and say life is full of cherries and roses when it isn’t. My hope for you is that you start to let go of that feeling you have of who you are. Have hope and faith that there is more to you than those things that cause you to feel unloveable. You have the opportunity to rewrite every moment. You get to choose. I get this even with my writing tonight. I get to choose to forgive myself. It is a choice. Love and light sent your way tonight.

  3. jamesvincentknowles February 17, 2013 at 12:06 am #

    Be kind to yourselves girls. Ladies. People. Before any of us can forgive anyone, we must find compassion first. Be compassionate to your self. What does that mean?

    Well, you’re already doing it by being honest with your self. Being honest with one’s self is painful. Let’s be honest. (a small hahah here). But consider that if you had truly really honestly fully understood your self, had known your self, you’d have made some rather different choices in life.

    I know I would have.

    This is the “process” everyone talks about. (Not so sure those who mention so often actually know what it means, but maybe they do & just aren’t through enough of it yet to share what it’s like or how to go through it)?

    The short version is:
    1. Be honest with your self.
    2. Go through & look & listen to yourself.
    3. When you hear yourself beating yourself up, blaming yourself or others, feeling let down by others or yourself, feeling your not good enough, & all those other horrible feelings, write them down or grab a tape recorder and spew.
    4. Don’t believe any of that stuff. Just get it out. Think of it as the muck & mess that was installed by a bad computer program. Like a virus. By forces within or without that simply did not know what they were doing, that simply did not fully understand you.
    5. Now, when you get through with all that dark stuff, and let’s face it, it hurts a lot to do this, recognize all that crap was implanted in you over a period of many years by many forces, some which thought they were helping you & some that were just plain stupid & some that wanted you to think the same way they do who didn’t care what was best for you.
    6. The next step is to see yourself as a 5 or 6 year old. Sweet, innocent, fun, playful, in need of kindness & love & compassion. This is where you can begin to give yourself the compassion, the kindness you need now, as an adult. Think of your 5 year old self as having a lot lot lot to learn still. Think of yourself as a 5 year old as needing nurturing & guidance & comforting & a lot of room to make mistakes. Think of yourself as a 5 year old who does not need to be beaten up, who does not need to be told you’re stupid or not good enough or any other mean & compassionless thing. You’re learning, you’ll make mistakes in life & you’ll learn from those.

    But you won’t learn anything by being mean to yourself & taking it out on both self & others.

    So this is where, when you really truly get it … where when you honestly realize your pain needs to heal before you can be superwoman. This is where your own expectations & beliefs need a reboot because most of them are wrong, most of them were put there by someone else who probably didn’t fully know who they were or what they were doing either. That’s okay. Realize it happens to everybody to some degree.

    Now that you can see yourself as a 5 year old, treat yourself as a 5 yearold. Treat yourself they way you would treat a 5 year old. A child who hasn’t a clue. A kid who needs to feel loved, a little kid who nees comforting & kisses & gentle loving kindness, a beautiful small soul who is here to learn about what matters in life & what doesn’t.

    Then play with those thoughts throughout the day & focus on this, focus on giving yourself compassion. When you get to a place where you can well & truly forgive yourself, you’ll then realize you can forgive anyone & everyone who has ever hurt you. Because you’ve learned the most important thing, compassion is something we all need, few know, & fewer will admit they don’t know. It’s beyond polite & it contains no anger at all. In fact, what compassion contains is the healing power of gentle loving kindness & the pure true love you’ve always known you needed.

    It really is a huge thing. And it most certainly does begin with being honest with one’s self.

    I hope my thoughts on this are taken as gentle guidance & not as advice. Guidance is compassionate. Advice is all too often abrupt, harsh, & lacking a great deal in the softness of what we all need most. Love.

  4. JenB February 17, 2013 at 9:57 pm #

    I ran across your blog tonite and read only a few random entries. I’m kinda going through something similar. My daughter has PWS and my other daughter has learning disabilities and may have ADD. I am going through my own medical stuff too that hasn’t been officially diagnosed. Anyway, my daughter with PWS has been going through some difficult behaviors lately, and I caught myself grieving today. After nearly 10 years, it’s amazing how quickly I can hit rock bottom. The difference though is that I don’t stay there very long–not like the early days. I wish you well. Your son is the cutest!

  5. Jo Ellen Corcoran February 18, 2013 at 1:22 am #

    Pretty sure James hit a major string (perhaps a big rope) in me.. My Auntie died and for a month I’ve been running lots of stories.. Sometimes beating myself up because I coulda handled things with more love.. And it bothered me that during the last 10 years of her living with us I just didn’t have much fun with her after my Uncle died 3 years ago. She was miserable a lot of the time, and I was frustrated I couldn’t help her.. I drank tequila and got a little help from my friends to get to sleep at night.. Everyone would say I was doing such a good job to care for 98 year old Auntie, and I would want to yell at them that if only they knew what I was thinking.. (I do think that even on a bad day I was much more loving than what she would have received any where else).. I JUST KNOW I SHOULDA/COULDA DONE BETTER!!! And so now, I’m moving very slowly and thoughtfully and with love because it hurts horribly to know how I hurt her at times…. And now, she’s gone.. And I’m learning to love myself like she and Uncle loved me.. Compassion is the only antidote for beating myself up..

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