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Tiny Beautiful Things

18 Feb

It was so cold today. The sun was shining but the wind  and the air were bitter. My fatigue had set in deeply. My bones felt weak and the cold air felt as if my body was thrust into an ice bath. The burning that comes before your body parts eventually go numb. I drove home from teaching tonight with my seat warmer on and the heat on full blast. I had no need for music as I drove home. I was craving complete silence. I could only hear the wind as it rushed past my windows on the outside of my car.

My thoughts are heavy tonight, shackles weighing me down. I keep thinking I love what I do. I love teaching yoga. I love being a mom. I love writing my blog. I love so many things, but… I feel like I haven’t found my dharma yet. Is there some magical feeling that takes over when you know you have found your dharma? Is there a true physical feeling that comes over your body when you know you are doing the right thing in your life?

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I couldn’t stop thinking I am 35 and I still haven’t found my calling, I don’t think. Is it supposed to look a certain way? Oh I wish for the answers. I had this conversation running around inside my head driving home t through the black cold night.

I needed to clear my head so I picked up one of my new favorite books. “Tiny Beautiful Things” by Cheryl Strayed. An amazing book, written in question and answer. The questions are written to Dear Sugar( she is sort of like Dear Abby, but more fascinating). A truly brilliant read. I opened up a page and couldn’t believe what I was reading. A 26-year-old girl, a writer, had written her Dear Sugar letter about exactly what I am going through. A feeling of despair, a feeling of why hasn’t this happened yet,  a feeling of did I make the right choices in my life? There are no accidents, I opened this book up right when I meant to. I opened the book up right to that page. It was clearly calling me.

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Sugar responded to this young and despondent 26-year-old writer with beautiful prose. My soul understood exactly what she was saying, even though she wasn’t saying it to me. Sugar writes, although she herself had grandiose plans  that hadn’t come to fruition at a young age. Sugar writes, it took a plethora of things to take place before her first major piece of work. Things had to happen before it was to come out of her soul. She had a life to live, relationships to have, sentences to write that would go absolutely now where, and so on and so on.

Is this where I am now? Working on sentences that are going nowhere. Am I working on relationships that are just the building blocks for what is to be my grandiose final calling in life?

At the yoga retreat in Boston my sister asked a question to the room  full of 35 people. She asked, “what is possible for you?” I was assisting that weekend so I chose not to partake in the excercise. Now I want to answer.

It is possible for me to stay consistent. It is possible for me start something and  finish it. It is possible for me to find my calling and know it  in my soul.

WhatIsPossible

It is so easy to get wrapped up in the lives around you. The lives of your friends, your family, your neighbors. They can easily seem to have so much, to have  a sense of love and contentment in their lives, something that you easily feel is missing. It is much harder to just send those people love and turn that attention on your own soul.

I want to find my dharma and sit with it. I want my dharma to feel like a bean bag chair. I want to sit in that bean bag chair with the feeling that you can’t or don’t want to get up.

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7 Responses to “Tiny Beautiful Things”

  1. Katie Devine February 18, 2013 at 10:04 pm #

    This question runs through my head at least once a day. What is my dharma? I think for some people it is easy to identify….maybe they have that “aha!” moment. Maybe the rest of us continue to search for it forever. But if we can go to bed happy about the value we have added to the world each night, I think we come out ahead. And you, my friend, are one of the value-adders.

  2. JenPastiloff February 19, 2013 at 3:15 am #

    Reblogged this on The Manifest-Station and commented:
    Love love love this by Rachel.

  3. barbarapotter February 19, 2013 at 1:03 pm #

    You are a magnificent human “doing”. Why else would you be chosen to be the mama of someone who needs such “special” attention and caring all of his life. Love you.

  4. Janice February 20, 2013 at 2:18 pm #

    Great piece Rachel! I was lucky enough to see Oprah here in Calgary in January. She talked about finding your life’s purpose, and how it is not necessarily something big or easily defined, or just one project. It might be that your life’s purpose is love or care or listening, or whatever. What she said was that you should look at the common threads throughout your life, because then you will see what your purpose is supposed to be. Not easy work for sure. Sending you a hug.

    • rachyrachp February 20, 2013 at 3:56 pm #

      This was beautiful. Thank you.

  5. Robin Claire February 20, 2013 at 6:06 pm #

    Are you a Christian? I became a Christian at 27 years old – and I found “IT”! A very, very good reason for being alive on this planet. I am currently now doing the work the CREATOR of our universe is having me do. I am now working for the big G! What more could a person ask for then to be in contact with the Universe Creator?
    Here is my conversion story:
    http://robinclaire.wordpress.com/2013/02/14/how-robin-was-saved-part-1-3/#more-4711
    This is not a “Sales Pitch”. You can take it or leave it, however you wish. I just thought I’d tell you about what happened to me… no sales pitch.
    love and blessings to you,
    robin claire

    • rachyrachp February 20, 2013 at 7:29 pm #

      Robin thank you for your input. I am non practicing Jewish, married into a southern baptist family. I have deep spiritual connections and bleve in miracles everyday.

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