Tag Archives: 3 words

No More Lies

30 May

I ask you this very simple question:

HOW CAN YOU HEAL IF YOU CONTINUE LYING TO YOURSELF?

It struck me light a bolt of lightning today. You can go to all the therapy in the world, pop all the pills they make, do yoga until you can stand on your fingertips in a handstand, but….if you aren’t acknowledging the truth behind all the junk, then all your work is for naught.

Yesterday as I talked through an article with my sister on the phone. She had numerous comments to me about my grammar, punctuation, and the like. If she had said that to me 6 months ago I would have been so annoyed. NOT NOW. I totally get it. I love to write but I struggle with all of those basic important writing things, ha! The new and improved me takes what people tell me and digest it before turning it into a painful experience. I am able to accept the truths about myself and not “make” them about something.

All that was an analogy for all the lies we tell ourselves and others everyday. There is always room for healing. There can not be healing if we don’t stop the lies.

We lie about all types of things. We tell ourselves we are healthy and then we drink ourselves into a stupor. We tell ourselves we are giving, but in actually hoard all we have. We tell ourselves we are not addicts, and we are so addicted that it blinds our view of reality.

Admitting to yourself and others the “truths” about yourself is the first step to healing. I have done a ton of this in the last 6 months.  Every time  I stop fighting the things about myself that are in fact a reality, I have just released another burden from my life.

My only advice for tonight is

STOP THE LIES

The Pain in My Heart

11 Jan

INTELLECTUAL DIS-ABILITY

There are no words to describe how my heart hurts when those words are used to describe my son.

I feel the sadness take over my soul. The well starts to fill, and if not contained I might very well overflow today.

I listen to all my friends talk and prepare for their child to enter kindergarten. It is all really simple stuff like, what teacher will they have, or will they ride the bus?

I wish it was that simple for us. No, it isn’t. We have to undergo another round of testing, followed IEP meeting after IEP meeting.

We have to fight to get the extra help our kids need. We have to be prepared to go to war for them.

My child is not disabled.

We are all human aren’t we? We aren’t so different inside.

So here are my 3 words for today.

Here are my 3 words to explain how I feel about my son. Here is how I feel it should read.

Today I was informed that the school psychologist is suggesting that Blaise not be completely mainstreamed. Why? She feels that he needs to be labeled as being, “Intellectually Disabled.” God, that just burns me up, it hurts.

Does my son have learning disabilities, of course. I know plenty of “typical” people who have learning disorders as well. I know they are trying to get him the best care possible at school, but my heart is heavy right now.

I want my son to get the best education possible. I want him to have as “normal” a life as possible. I want him to love school and love life. I know that the labels are just there to get “services” for school, but I hate them. I hate labels. I hate it when others label my son.

I hate that I even have to fight for him to get an education. I hate that I have to fight to get him an aid so that he has the best chance at learning. Oh let’s not forget the aid to help him stay away from food, you know because HIS LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!

Why, why is this even a question. Why with all the information you give people they think they know better. They think that your child has an eating disorder that they will grow out of. They think that your child should be able to learn to control themselves around food. They think that sheer will power is all your child with PWS needs. I wish they only knew. I wish they knew what it was like to be on a 24/7 vigil for your child. To wake up in the middle of the night and say, “oh crap I left the fridge unlocked.” To know what it is like to never get a full night sleep because you are always listening, always waiting for the moment your kid gets into the food when your asleep.

Blaise has it tough. He has 3 diagnosis. Prader-Willi Syndrome/PDD-NOS(autism spectrum disorder)/Sensory Processing Disorder. This is a lot for one little man to deal with. In saying all that do I think he can handle school, YES!!! ABSOLUTELY. Do I think he needs an aide full-time, YES! ABSOLUTELY.

I will keep an open mind as I go into this meeting with the school. I will think about what they are offering. I will also be ready to go to battle if I have to, whatever it takes.

This is just a normal day for us. There is always so much, so much to think about, so much that weighs on me. Today though I am in a valley. Feeling sad for my son. Feeling sad for his never-ending fight in life.

As the parent of a child with special needs we already fight so many battles at home. Why, why I ask, should we have to fight for our children to get an education? I will never understand. ;(

How To Be Happy When Your Life Takes a Detour

8 Jan

How can you find happiness in times like these?

I have spent a ton of time lately thinking about how to find happiness in times like these. I think about all the different situations that surround so many people in my life. So how can you find happiness when, you lost your job, you lost your house, your child is dying, your child has an incurable condition, you have cancer, your parent just died of cancer, or you are getting divorced. Really the list goes on and on. How can you be happy amidst all the insanity that envelopes your life when you are dealing with just one of those things, let alone multiple things.

My family was hit hard by the economy. The financial stress was creating turmoil in our lives. Once we made the decision to downsize and do what was best for our family, our lives increased a hundred fold. I won’t lie, it was not an easy decision, and one that I spent many nights crying over, but thank god we did what we did. Of course I still have moments where I miss my big bedroom, fancy kitchen, and beautiful hardwood floors, but those moments are fleeting.

I wanted to write about this topic for a second time because I feel so strongly about it.

So here it is. We have downsized and it saved our lives.

It really has hit home for me again today with the new additions to our family. Over the past week we have added 8 chickens and 3 goats to our existing brood. We are getting our land ready for a huge vegetable garden that we will plant in the spring.

My husband and kids are outside everyday working and playing, and enjoying hours and hours of “green” therapy. Grass and sunshine are keeping my family happy and sane. Sure, we still sit inside and watch t.v, check our computers, and play legos, but we are living it up outside. These are things we never did at our old house. We are happy, really happy.

I have finally transformed my feeling of loss, the loss of the life I knew, to a true feeling of joy. This house is amazing for Blaise and Maddock. My kids get more exercise at their own house than they could at any park or gym out there. We spend so much time together as a family, playing and working outside. Our loss really brought us closer together. Our loss helped our family. Our loss became our saving grace.

I think about this topic a lot in regards to Blaise having Prader Willi Syndrome and Autism. I think about how much those two things have enriched me, not destroyed me. I think all the time how lucky I am. I have always loved to cook, I have always been healthy, but PWS has taught me more about food than any book could have ever taught me. I have always had great friends, but PWS has brought me a second family that I wouldn’t trade for the world. I have always had compassion, but PWS has taught me compassion on the purest level. So again this is yet another example of how I turned sadness and loss into love.

I met a man yesterday, a farmer, who used to work construction. He was a very successful contractor, he raised animals on the side. When the economy went south he said that he would start farming full time. He is happy and he is doing well. He could have thrown in the towel when his business failed, but instead he chose to find a different path, and make it joyful and successful.

I meet people like this all the time. I used to think to myself how do they do that? How can they be happy when life is such, pardon my french, crap. I get it now. For me I had no choice, really I had no choice.

I can’t sit and cry everyday that Blaise has PWS. I can’t sit and cry everyday that my son is in pain every moment of his life. I can’t sit and  cry that my son won’t live the life I had dreamed for him. I can’t sit and cry everyday that my son has to fight for everything in his life. I can’t sit and cry everyday that I don’t have my big house anymore. I can’t sit and cry that my life didn’t work out the way I had planned. I did all that, and it didn’t do anything for me.

I had a crash course in, “HOW TO BE HAPPY WHEN YOUR LIFE TAKES A DETOUR!”

You can either spend everyday crying, or you can find things to make that loss into your “new life.”

So here are my 3 words for today….

Don’t misunderstand me, it is ok to cry. I have cried a lot. I had to cry and grieve for a long time when Blaise was diagnosed, but then I had to move on.

I had a good friend remind me that “LIFE IS FULL OF VALLEYS AND PEAKS!” Whenever I have a bad day I remind myself of that. I remember that tomorrow I could be back on the peak.

I don’t have to have an AMAZING day everyday, but I make it a practice to find something joyful in the day, even if it is just an itty bitty thing.

I am blessed, I believe that it is important to acknowledge that to myself everyday. I know first hand that my thoughts can have a major impact on my life. If I choose to be happy than I can take steps to see and have that happiness. It is a conscience practice everyday.

So although it may not seem possible right now to be happy amidst all the crap in your life, you can. Even if it is just baby steps in the beginning.

Find just one thing that made you happy today and start there. 😉

I had to go back and add this in. I just read this article online. How perfectly fitting for my blog tonight.

 

Top 5 regrets people have on their deathbed. Worth the read!

Life is short….

10 Dec

DON’T WAIT, DO IT NOW….

In July of 1983 my dad Mel Pastiloff died. We were all there at home the night it happened. I was 5 years old at the the time and my sister Jen was 8. That moment forever shaped who we were, it forever altered my course in life. I always wish I had more time with him, I always wanted to tell him I loved him more.

When I was in 8th grade my step-father Carl also passed away of a heart attack. I was devastated! I remember that I had called him on his birthday in January to say hello(my mom had already divorced him). His wife at the time would not let me talk to him. When he died I felt so cheated, the anger I felt inside just consumed me. I loved Carl, he was amazing. It was the second time that I never got to say good-bye, that I never got to say that I love you one more time.

When I was 19 years old I called my good friend Pat to say hi. It had been about 8 months since we spoke. We often let time go by without speaking, but when we did, it was like no time had passed at all. When I called a strange voice answered the phone. Very abruptly the person asked me twice if I was sure I was calling for Pat. I was confused and said, “Yes, why?” Then without any warning the strange guy on the phone said, ‘Pat is DEAD!” Oh my god I dropped the phone and let out a scream. I spent the entire night crying. If you knew Pat you would understand. This was an amazing individual, a true gift to this world. I was crushed. I never got to say to him I miss you, I love you that last time. That night I went to sleep he came to me in my dreams and said, “It’s ok, don’t worry about me, I am fine.” I really believe it was him, I found comfort in that.

Two years ago I got a frantic phone call from my mother. She kept yelling something to me on the phone. I kept saying to her I have to call you back I have my hands full. She said, “RACHEL, RACHEL…NATALIE IS DEAD!!!!!!” Natalie is my cousin, she was my best friend growing up. Oh my god, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move, I immediately hung up the phone and called my Aunt Honey. I can not even begin to explain what is like to hear the pain in somebody’s voice when their child has died. My cousin and I had let many years go by without speaking. She never got to meet my children, I never go to hug her that one last time. I do however have her children to love. I do have her children still to see her face. I want to show them all the love in the world to somehow make up for the lost time with their mother.

So here is really what I am getting at….

Tell them you love them now, don’t wait.

Tell the people in your life that you are grateful for them, that you appreciate them, that you love them. Just tell them that they mean something to you.

EVERY SINGLE TIME….

I am on the phone with my mom, my sister, my husband, my children, my in-laws, or an old friend I say, I LOVE YOU!!!

I am so grateful for so many people in my life and for so many different reasons.

I wanted to share with you some of the people that I care about, love and am happy to have in my life.

I love my children for giving me a reason to wake up in the morning

I love my mom for ALWAYS being there, no matter what

I love my sister Jen  for seeing in me what I couldn’t see in myself

I love my dad Mel for being my angel in heaven, I know he saved me more than once

I love my step-dad Jack for loving me from day one, for always being a rock in my life

I love my in-laws for their dedication to my children, for being patient and loving to them everyday

I love my Aunt Honey, she has always been a second mom to me. She is more amazing than I think she even realizes

I love all my sisters friends, old and new, who have shown me so much love in my life

I love all my old friends, who have accepted me through it all.

I am so grateful for Dr. Miller who has made sure that Blaise lives the best life possible

I am so grateful for all the new friends I have made here in Atlanta

I am so grateful for all the people who love Blaise just the way he is

I am so grateful for John Hall, who has shown me that anything is possible in life.

I am so grateful for Emily Rapp who has shown me to envision a life of happiness, even if right now sucks!

I am so grateful for my new amazing doctor. I feel so blessed to have someone in my life who truly cares about my well being

I am so grateful for all the people at my supermarket. They make my day every time I go in to shop

I am so grateful for Janine, Pattrika, and Sumiya. 3 of the most amazing therapists in the world. Blaise is so blessed to have them.

I am so grateful for my ENTIRE EXTENDED PWS FAMILY, There are not enough words to say how much I love and care for them all

I am so grateful for all the people who smile back at me, say hello, and ask me how I am doing to day.

I am full of love in my life. I am full of people who I am lucky to have in my life. I have made it a practice in my life to always say I love you, to always tell people how much they mean to me. Life is short, you never know when it can be taken away.

I think there is an interesting side not to all of this. We should always think of giving and doing for others. Not because we have to, but because we want to. I have an easy way to give to someone that won’t cost you a dime. Tell somebody today that you love them. Tell somebody today that you are grateful for them in your life. Ask somebody today how they are doing, and really mean it! There is no better gift in the world to let somebody know that they are loved, you will truly make their day.

MAKE SURE YOU FORGIVE PEOPLE…LET IT GO, IT’S NOT WORTH IT. LIFE IS SHORT.

I am blessed to have had many people forgive me in my life!

So dear readers, this is your chance to make a difference today. Go out in your day and tell somebody that they matter, that they rock or just tell them you love them. DO IT NOW….DON’T WAIT!!!!!

ANYWAY….

30 Nov

I WILL….

I started thinking about unconditional love lately, and what it really means to love somebody unconditionally. I realized that I can love unconditionally and still stand up for myself, stand for what I believe in, and respect what they believe. This has really been a challenge for me. I don’t hold grudges, but I do hold things inside. I realize that this is unhealthy spiritually and physically. So I made the decision that I was going to love people anyway, in spite of, and just because.

So here is the deal, it has made a huge impact on my life. I decided that I was going to love people even if they didn’t understand me, judged the way I raised my kids, left my life with no explanation, pushed their opinions on me, or were not supportive to me in the way I thought they should. Those are just a few examples but loving someone anyway can lend itself to any situation.

So far I can say that I have most definitely improved some very important relationships in my life.

I have learned that if I just love people anyway, for who they are, and for how they see fit to love me, then we can actually have a great relationship. I love this new way of thinking for me, it gives me my power back. I get to reclaim how I feel again, instead of letting others control my emotions. I know recently some people who are in my life have probably thought, “What is going on with her?” “Why is she reaching out to me so much, why is she being so persistent on building a new relationship with me, why is she not pushing me away?” Well, the old way of thinking doesn’t serve me anymore. So here I am building a new me. I am loving my life so much right now.

I know it sounds cliched but I changed my intention, my will, and my power of thought and it really, really made a difference.

So dear readers, who in your life can you “Love Anyway?” Do it just because, do it because you can! Please comment below about your experience with the “ANYWAY” in your life.

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