Tag Archives: acceptance

The Broken Glasses

22 Oct

I am always navigating through a crazy maze of trials in my life. Always trying to figure out if the “what is” now is “what it’s supposed to be.”  I constantly examine this concept with myself and especially my children.

Last Tuesday was an especially difficult day. I struggled through the day and my kids weren’t even home from school yet. Once my little ones arrived home things went from hard to climbing Mt. Everest. Blaise my sweet boy who has Prader Willi Syndrome and Autism was in a state of destruction. As dinner approached I asked my sweet angel where his glasses where. Very nonchalantly he responded that they are broken. The two of us found our way into his bedroom where he showed me both pairs of his glasses, broken, twisted and shattered in little pieces. I found myself cracking into those little pieces too. I lost my patience and started yelling, I hate that part of me that comes out when my soul cracks.

I screamed at him, “Why, Why, Why?”

He never answered, he didn’t understand what I was asking him. This led to the real issue. The glasses aren’t the issue, they are at the surface, they are the like the skin, they are just the part you see. The real issue was exploding inside.

Why can’t my son understand me? Why can’t my son be normal? Why doesn’t my sons brain work?

There it is the guts of it all. It’s the insides coming out, the organs and the blood.

Seven years of dealing with special circumstances doesn’t make it easier. Seven years doesn’t make those bitter moments sting less. Seven years doesn’t close the wounds. I have spent the last few years stuffing down my feelings and pretending that all is cohesive, tough but working. In reality it was all still there under the surface, inside a pressure cooker about to explode.

I found myself crying after my kids went to sleep that night. I cried for myself, I cried for the stress that his syndrome can create in me, but mostly I cried for him. I cried for what I thought was missing. I was quiet after I let it all out, I was quiet all through the days that followed. Something had opened up and I had to finally face it and deal.

I had to accept what is.

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Blaise accepts his life. It’s time I remember how to live more like him. Blaise doesn’t see failures or “lack of’s” in his life. He accepts things and does so with a smile.

I am working on accepting “the what is” now. I added into my ah ha moment that I can accept what is now and trust that things may look different in the future. I have to let go of what I think it is “supposed” to look like in my life, and my kids lives.

As the parent of a special needs child I tend to be on a roller coaster of emotions daily. Going through the struggles with my child. Walking the path of his life right by his side. It can be a daunting task. One thing I don’t need to add to my plate is judgement to what I think the picture of my child’s life should be.

I happily bought the little one a new pair of glasses. Hopefully this experience will have us both see a little clearer.

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You is kind. You is smart. You is Important.

12 Feb

When I finally got around to watching the movie “The Help” I sat speechless during one very significant scene. It is the scene with Viola Davis speaking to the little baby Mae Mobley and she say’s to her,

“Remember what I told you. You is kind. You is smart. You is important.”

you is kind

Tears came rolling down my face. I immediately thought of Blaise. It came crashing over my bones with such force it knocked my head back. This is how it is. Others will try their best to knock him down. I will not let them. I will be right there by his side to remind him.

YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT.

My heart is full tonight. I dedicated my class tonight to opening up the heart space. Opening up and loving, loving even those who choose not to love us for who we are. Truth be told I couldn’t fill my heart space with that. I am filled, frustration, and sadness.

I knew when my children were born that I was here for them, and not the other way around. I knew that it is my job to protect them, stand up for them, love them, and help show them the way.

I need to fill my lungs up like hot air balloons and climb to the top of the mountain. I am ready-I am about to let it rip. The whole world will feel the vibration from what I say. So here me now.

God doesn’t make mistakes. My child is not a mistake. My child is perfect in every way imaginable. 

If you have ever had the pleasure to meet such a sweet soul you would understand. The glow that emanates off of his body while he sleeps. The high-pitched shrill that creeps through the house when he wakes in the morning, full of love for you and the day. The pure acceptance that he has for you when he embraces you, with his body that struggles to hold on to yours. If you are lucky enough to have somebody like this in your life than you are feeling those warm and fuzzies in your heart. You too understand the perfection I speak of.

My sweet angel will face much adversity in his life. I will be by his side the entire time to champion him. I will honor him always. I am working on opening up my heart space, I am trying to love those who don’t accept my son for who he is. I sit and attempt to fill my heart space with love for those who think of my child as a burden, as a problem, as something less than an made-up  standard of perfection.

I can still recall those first days of my baby boys life. I sat at home smelling his baby hat for hours, all the while he was in the NICU trying to get stronger and come home. My memories are of  so many sweet days smelling his delicious baby smell, laughing with him, watching his first teeth come shooting out of his little mouth, and sweet middle of the day naps shared in our secret space. I can remember all that. What I don’t remember is ever once feeling that he was anything less than he was meant to be. I never had anything but love in my heart for my first-born and magnificent child.

There are no guarantees in life. There is no manual, no rule book. My child was born missing a chromosome. My friend Emily’s child is dying of Tay Sachs’, a horrible unfair and cruel disease. We both know the beast we are up against. There are millions of children in the world, millions of different and unbelievably powerful little brains getting ready to run our world.  Millions of different circumstances. God doesn’t make guarantees. I know with all of me, I know this down to the tiniest part of my DNA. God doesn’t make mistakes!

If you haven’t met my child yet, or haven’t met a child yet who can fill your soul with light-I encourage you to do so. If you have a friend with such a child, or maybe family, practice acceptance. It is the greatest gift you could ever give.

 

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The Updated Version 2.0

25 Jan

If you read my last couple of essays than you know I have become obsessed with the idea of having two versions of myself. It all started with watching the movie ‘Another Earth’, which by the way is unbelievably good. I find myself daydreaming of my other version. Maybe an earlier version of myself, maybe a completely different version of me, or maybe it’s an identical me walking around.

another earth

Lately I have spent time going back in my mind at the earlier version of myself. This morning I came across a part of me that I forgot had  existed. It showed itself to me and I stopped for a second, I thought, wow I can’t believe that was me.

Years ago I had a bad habit. Every single time I was around other people I was under tremendous anxiety. When I would leave the company I was in the torment would begin. I would convince myself that the people I was with would talk about me behind my back. I would convince myself that I had said something ‘stupid’ as I always did, or so I thought, and that they would have somethign to say about that. I would have these thoughts even when I was with my best friends. I always had this underlying feeling of ‘little-ness’ ‘un-important’ and ‘not worthy’. I somehow always thought that all those around me had something special that I just couldn’t wrap my hands around. There was always something that I thought was missing inside of me.

un·wor·thy

/ˌənˈwərT͟Hē/

Adjective
  1. Not deserving effort, attention, or respect: “he was unworthy of trust and unfit to hold office”.
  2. (of a person’s action or behavior) Not acceptable, esp. from someone with a good reputation or social position.
Synonyms
worthless – undeserving – undignified

Really! I am quite sure that this is not the description that fits me best. When reading the words it seems even more outlandish that we could ever think of ourselves in terms like this.

I am not quite sure how I let that bad habit go, but I did. I am so thankful for that. I suppose I filled those feelings of unimportance and nothingness with feelings of love and gratitude. Like any bad habit they do try to creep back into your life. They try to worm their way back into your good graces. They try to set up shop and come back home.

Practicing self-love is a practice just as you would practice yoga. I have to be completely aware and present of the choices I make in regards to how I am with myself. I still sometimes am in shock at how comfortable I am with who I am. This whole conversation has come up for me because the old habit is trying to weasel its way back to me.

One of the strange things that has happened to me with my medical problems is unexplained weight gain. I found myself yesterday having this old and boring conversation with myself. If I just lose the 20 pounds then I will be happy. If I just lose the 20 pounds then people will see me as a ‘better’ yoga teacher. If I just lose 20 pounds then I will be ‘better’ than I am now. I stopped myself dead in my tracks yesterday and gave myself an imaginary slap in the face. I know better than this. I know that if I am not happy now 20 pounds won’t magically make me ‘happier’.

Then I came across an essay written by another woman. It was very intense and personal. It was one of the most real and raw things I have ever read. A woman who according to ‘America’s’ standards is drop dead gorgeous. Tall, blonde and beautiful. A well spoken and intelligent woman who is seemingly perfect on the outside, while on the inside breaking apart. She is just moments away from shattering into a million little pieces. I don’t know why but I was completely stunned. I am human and I sometimes forget that we can all be good actors, we can all hide the real versions of ourselves. As I read her essay I was floored with some of the intense and honest words that came out of her mouth. I realized that so many of us struggle with this basic and most fundamental acceptance of ourselves, especially women. So much pressure that we put on ourselves. This woman was so honest and it got me thinking about things that I need to get more honest about in my own life.

I have spent many years working towards self-actualization. I have spent countless hours alone with my thoughts and facing all the things that make me who I am. I am always willing to take a look deeper and discover more of me, and work towards a better me. I am facing this bump in the road head on. When these bumps in the road come up they shake me at my foundation. I have worked so hard to leave those pieces of me where they belong, in version 1. I had a habit of waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the good to turn to bad, for something to go wrong. I have a hard time believing that this could really stick, so these little reminders take hold of me for a minute. I am thankful that I am able to release them back to where they belong before they spread to my entire being. My new habit is to face all my issues with total and complete honesty and then go forward from there. It has helped release me from unwanted and unnecessary stress in my life.

Where can you get more honest in your life? Where do you think that honesty will affect you the most?

I would love to hear your feedback.

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