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Tag Archives: American Idol

A Little Heartbreak

15 Sep

I drove into my studio today thinking I would definitely have students for my Saturday class. I thought for sure that my client from last week would be waiting for me in the parking lot. We had a great session together and she seemed really happy. However, as I pulled into the lot I had a feeling that I would be all alone today. When you show up and there is nobody there waiting to take your class, well it definitely tears at your soul a little.

What inevitably happens is that I immediately begin to question my abilities, my worth, and my being in general. I start to immediately think that, “I must have done something wrong for them not to come back.” “I must have scared them away.” ” I am never going to make this work.” “What was I thinking, this is crazy.” “I just want to run for the hills.”

So I have all these feelings and the fluttering in your heart when you are sad and want to cry. I take a moment and decide that I need to leave the building and get in my car. I get in my car and do what I always do, I crank up the tunes and sing. Not long after I commenced with my own private AMERICAN IDOL routine do I realize that my useless conversation from the moments before had left me. Of course I still felt disappointed and not as peppy as I was in the wee hours of the morning, but I wasn’t completely defeated.

Instead I decided to run around town and give out my business cards to everybody I met and knew. I decided to create a special for the first six months of business as an incentive for new clients. I felt better being pro-active and being full of self-pity.

I have experienced many emotions over the last few weeks since my studio opened. Mostly they are related to being scared and doubtful of myself. When situations like this arise in my life I feel sometimes like it is a self fulling prophecy.

I made a promise to myself this morning that I was going to do everything in my power to fight that “old version” of me, to fight the “version of me that lives in fear.” I am not there yet 100% but I am working on it. It is so hard when you are in a vulnerable state to stand up to that nasty little voice inside you that wants you to be small and fearful of the life.

Days like today really force me to examine where I am on my journey of self discovery.

So there it is folks, I said it. I am scared, self-conscious, heartbroken at times, and fighting a battle with myself, to stand tall in spite of the winds that want to knock me over.

That is the nitty-gritty truth.

Namaste-

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My Secret Confession

6 Jul

I thought I would lighten the mood tonight and come forward with my super secret confession.

Since I was in the 6th grade and fell in love with The New Kids on the Block, I have loved Pop music. Yes, I said it! Cheezy pop music that you don’t dare admit you like.

My friend Emily who writes an amazing blog about her journey with her son with Tay-Sachs. She had written awhile back about listening to pop music in her car, singing at the top of her lungs, and just feeling good. I read that and thought. Oh my god that is totally me. Of course this is not the only music I listen too, but when I am in my car it just gets me going, gets my kids dancing, and suddenly sometimes things just seem not so bad.

It was another scorching hot day here in Georgia. We drove with the air conditioner on full blast, as in arctic chill cold. Then I hear those little voices from the back seat, “put on a song mommy!” So pop music it is, and they are rocking out, and so am I. We are bopping our heads, moving our bodies, and singing like we don’t care who hears us. It brings such a smile to my face. I am so grateful for moments like that, moments that exist amidst the chaotic storm that is usually brewing all around me.

As Kelly Clarkson‘s “Stronger” came on everybody was singing. So yes, it’s true I love Kelly Clarkson. I feel stronger when I am singing that song. Of course I am not singing about being broken-hearted, but I am singing about being stronger. I have always heard, thought, and said….WHAT DOESN’T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER.

I this to myself all the time when I think of losing my dad, living thousands of miles away from my family, and the diagnosis that both my children carry. So yeah when Kelly is singing I am singing right there with her. It makes me feel good, and I can not lie, I really like feeling good these days.

Amazing how you can relearn to do things. I learned how to feel good and find joy in my life from the inside out, not from the outside in. It really has been a bumpy road, but I am getting so much better. I felt a feeling all day that wouldn’t go away. It is a great feeling. I wish everybody felt this feeling. What is this feeling?

I am grateful. I am so very grateful.

As I sing and dance to cheesy pop music in my car, I am reminded how grateful I am to have ears to hear music with, a voice to sing with, and a body to dance with. I am grateful to have kids that think my singing is awesome, and that when I talk to myself in the car it is funny. I am grateful today and everyday.

 

So rise up with me and confess what makes you feel good, what brings you joy, what makes you grateful?

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