Advertisements
Tag Archives: Conditions and Diseases
Quote

The One on Neurologists, Drugs & Turning 35.

6 Jan

I have spent many hours contemplating whether or not I should write this piece. I have gone back and  forth in my head about the repercussions of writing such a thing. I almost put pen to paper, or fingers to keys this summer, but alas I stopped myself. I think I finally came to terms with what it is that was holding me back. It is always the same thing.

What will THEY think of me?

I will be 35 years old in 9 days. I believe after 35 years on this earth I need not care what people think. I need only care about what it is that brings me joy, what it is that inspires me, and what it is that is part of my purpose here on earth.

Do you believe in the mind body connection? I absolutely do, I absolutely do.

5 weeks ago I became ill, and haven’t gotten better. It seems that all of my myseterious symptoms from the last 6 years have come home to roost all together now. After many doctor appointments I ended up at the neurologist running through every test possible. As I sat and listened to the doctor say to me that he is going to tell it to me straight, “I am looking for some very serious things here, cancer, brain tumors, MS and so on.” He then left the room. It was as if my insides began to convulse and found their way to the outside of my body.

Cancer and Brain Tumors, oh no this is not in my plans. I will not be fitting those things into my week, ok.

I wept in my mothers arms, the tears came out of me while my body shook. I wanted to make it stop. I wanted the noise in my head to go away. I just kept hearing cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer. Such a bad dream.

Ever since that moment I realized that life is really too short. I know I have a purpose here on earth and life is short. When you get sick and are in limbo you realize there is no time to waste. I need to get busy living and get busy being real, again. Today I picked up my “Light on Yoga” book and started reading again. I was reading some of my favorite parts about the Yama’s and Niyama’s. I always come back to the Yama, Satya, this also happened to be my speech in teacher training.

Satya, truth, truthfulness and honesty.

So here goes what it is that I have been holding back all these years.

Exactly 7 years ago today was the last time I touched a substance. I can feel my heart beating out of my chest now as I write this, my hands are shaking and I feel dizzy. It is a hard thing to share and let go off. 7 years ago today I was an addict. 7 years ago today I was living in a world of sadness, loneliness, danger and fear.

One day I woke up and realized that this couldn’t be my purpose, this couldn’t be what I was born to do. I called my sister on the phone and said I am done. I need some strength and love and there she was to be by my side. I was ready to feel love again in my life, I was ready to feel safe again in my life, and I was ready to be the woman I was before I fell into my Alice in Wonderland hole and followed the rabbit for tea.

I have never looked back and never thought twice about my decision. Now here I am 7 years later. A better woman, a woman with love, a woman with purpose, and a woman who found her courage.

As I drove down to Florida today for my son’s doctor appointment the date hit me on the head. I looked up the endless sky in the flat boring land that goes on for miles in South Georgia, and thought to myself, “Girl you have come so far and it feels damn good.”

I love who I am and I don’t look back and hate who I was before. I feel sad when I think of that version of myself, but I still love that Rachel. I am a warrior. I look back and show my gratitude for that version of me. I look back at that Rachel, the one who weighed 100lbs, the one who watched too many sunrises and sunsets with no break in between, and the one who felt disappointment from her loved ones, and I am grateful for her. She was such a lesson to be learned.

I WAS AN ADDICT

I was an addict. I was not the fist rate version of myself that I strive for in my life. After 7 years I finally get it, it doesn’t matter. I am not that Rachel anymore. I am not the Rachel I was 5 minutes ago. I get to practice Satya every moment of my life, and I chose to start here.

I am released of this burden and guilt. I am better for owning my life and the woman who resides in this body.

Advertisements

Here I Am

16 Dec

I feel a sense that something is missing in my life.

Oh yes, I have found it, it is writing and connecting with all of you.

The past six weeks I have been absent. In fact I have been completely silent. I have received many messages from all of you asking if I am ok.

I recently moved and was without internet for a bit. I resolved all my tech issues and  I was ready to get back on track and find my way home to writing.

Roughly 12 days ago I came down with some pretty scary medical issues. I spent all day Friday at the doctors and hospital with my mother to get numerous tests run.

I am officially diagnosed as having Fibromyalgia and am now awaiting test results for Rheumatoid Arthritis. The pain I have been feeling in my hands made typing low on the list of things I felt I could do.

I am praying that I don’t have RA, but I am in desperate need of an answer. The idea of having RA is absolutely terrifying. I have been feeling physically challenged lately, but I will not lie I am most definitely feeling a bit down and worried.

I hope you all have not given up on me and I look forward to writing again on a regular basis very soon.

 

Namaste and happy holidays to you all.

 

I thought I would add this photo of my kids with Santa today at Bass Pro Shop. It is definitely a classic.

photo-4

Rachel

 

Quote

Grant Me Strength

16 Sep

English: This is a photograph I personally too...

English: This is a photograph I personally took when Wayne Dyer came by my television station (KUSI-TV in San Diego) in March 2009. This is NOT a screen shot. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My heart breaks every time my son cries for food. I feel tremendous sadness every time my youngest son wants more of a treat can’t have it because of his brother. I wish I had more patience on the days where my little guy cries for hours on end and I can’t handle it. If only I could have as much compassion for my self as I did for others. I wish that when my house is messy I think the same thoughts I do when I see somebody else’s messy house, “this house looks lived in, they have busy lives.” I wish that I wasn’t always tired. I wish I didn’t wish for so much.

 

I am running on very little steam today and I don’t vibrate at a very high level when this is the case. I function on a lower vibration. This leads to confrontation, yelling, little patience, and ugliness that comes from within. It is such a strange sensation to intellectually know that your behavior is shameful, but emotionally you just can’t help yourself. It is like watching yourself in slow motion.

I keep thinking about sleep tonight and will it come with ease. I keep thinking about how Wayne Dyer says that the last 5 minutes before you drift off to sleep are the most important. What you say to yourself in those last 5 minutes will marinate in your brain, your body, your essence for the next 8 hours. I keep thinking about how tonight it will be incredibly difficult not to marinate in the bitter words I feel for what today has been like.

Tomorrow shall be a better day. This week is presenting itself already as full of challenges. All of this madness will culminate with my One Small Step for Prader Willi Syndrome on Saturday and my sister Jennifer’s “Manifestation Workshop” at my studio on Sunday.

God, Universe, Dad in heaven please grant me the strength to handle it all. Grant me the strength to vibrate on my highest level all week.

Teeth Extractions and Sleepless Nights

18 Mar

Over 2 weeks ago I had 5 teeth pulled

The last 2 weeks I have spent recovering from what I thought would be a simple procedure.

I realize now how important it is to take care of things when you are younger and your body heals faster.

During the last 2 weeks I spent many nights counting sheep-I mean listing and obsessing over the mountain of things that need to be accomplished in the near future.

1. I start Yoga Teacher Training in 2 weeks (Ok, I am more nervous about leaving my kids all weekend with somebody other than me)

2. Turn in the ginormous application to renew Blaise’s special medical insurance waiver(the thought of not having makes me want to cringe)

3. Plan my One Small Step Walk for Prader Willi Syndrome (this is finally coming true for me and I want to do all I can to make it successful)

Some of you might think that my list is rather small, it is actually a HUGE undertaking.

All of the things on my list are bringing up massive amounts of anxiety for me. I need to be successful at all 3 of them.

I need to complete all 3 of them with a specific deadline.

I need to complete all 3 of these things while handling all the regular life things that are static in my life.

I can’t make the doctor and therapy appointments go away. There is no laundry fairy who will come in my house and magically clean my clothes. I haven’t found a personal shopper, a chef, a nanny, or gardener as of yet.

So, the challenge is on.

 

I am challenging all my previous beliefs that I hold about what I am able to accomplish in my life.

I WILL SUCCEED

I ONLY HAVE ONE MANTRA RIGHT NOW. IT IS MY 3 WORDS ABOVE.

I have no choice. There is only one direction for me and it is always to keep moving forward.

I am tired, anxious, and a bit stressed now.

I am questioning my self, my life, and my capabilities.

What is getting me through these thoughts?

My sister Jen’s words, “Expect to be delighted.”

I am going to delight myself with all that I can do, with all that I am capable of.

The next 6 months are full of long days, crazy schedules, and a workload that I will be in awe of-but I will cherish every single moment of it all.

I am blessed beyond belief.

I am blessed to have such a full life.

I am blessed to have things that I care about.

I will remember that during my moments of wanting to give up, or give in.

%d bloggers like this: