Tag Archives: Honesty

Will You Forgive?

16 Feb

Saturday night and I am cozy in my bed with my two little kittens by my side. It is freezing outside. A beautiful sunny day has turned into a cloudy and bitterly cold evening. I turned up the heat and got under the blankets. I am all alone in my room as I turn on the Beyonce interview on OWN. She spends quite a bit of time talking about her daughter and being a mom and all that comes with being a parent.

There was a scene where Beyonce is filming herself at home in her bed. She looks at the camera and talks about feeling the baby move for the first time, the excitement that comes with those first kicks.

I immediately shutter. I try not to think about things like that regarding my own pregnancies. I have not forgiven myself yet.

I have not forgiven myself yet.

My sister wrote a beautiful essay about our sweet angel Ronan and his passing on February 15th. She wrote  when something like this happens, when a child dies, you realize why lie. Why lie about anything.So here I am. Being as real and raw as I can be. As I sat and watch this woman on television talk about how she felt her baby kick and how exciting that was I realize that I still feel like a failure. I feel like I let Blaise down. Why wasn’t I one of those women counting every kick, monitoring every moment in the womb. If I had would things have been different? Could I have changed things in his life? Would I have saved him and I from three years of suffering. All of the tests were fine when I was pregnant. I did feel his body move inside me, but there were no big baby kicks, like the ones everybody talks about. Some babies are quiet in the womb, the doctors told me .

Why didn’t I question that more? Why didn’t I push more? Why didn’t I do more. More Period.

It still weighs on me that he wasn’t diagnosed with Prader Willi Syndrome for three years. Of course it took me a year of testing to get that diagnosis. I did all I could once I knew there was work to be done, but there is always the feeling of not soon enough. It still weighs me down in my few moments alone. I still feel that it was up to me to protect him, and I didn’t, not soon enough.I try not to watch things regarding pregnancies. They bring up such raw and unnerving feelings for me. I push these things down and away. I want to believe that I have come to terms with the way things transpired in my life, in his life. Things happen exactly as they are supposed to, I want to believe this, but I  am left feeling that I got it wrong somewhere.

I don’t wan to lie anymore. I still feel that in some way I could have done more. It leaves me feeling incomplete. I want to say that I have been the best most powerful and dedicated mother. I worry sometimes that I wasn’t dedicated enough or strong enough in the beginning, in the first moments when it mattered the most. Does that set the stage for the future?

This is the most honest and human I can be.

Where is your honesty wanting to come out. Post below and share it now.



Time for Honesty

2 Jul

I am writing this post from a place of honesty, but also from a place of frustration.

It is time we get honest with each other. It is time we start living in integrity. Stop gossiping and living a more honest and truthful life. You are not living in integrity if you say something behind someone’s back, but don’t have the courage to look them in the eyes and say it to their face. You are not living in integrity if you say that you care for someone, send them emails that you miss them, and then say hurtful things about them.

 How can we grow as conscious people, better people, more of who we were meant to be if people constantly lie to us? If somebody does somebody that you find offensive, or maybe hurtful or bothersome, at least tell them. Maybe it would be hurtful to hear, but ultimately good because they can choose to grow from it.

I am at that place now in my life; if there are things that you don’t care for about me and it has either caused you to talk behind my back, or stop being my friend, then share with me what it is that caused those feelings. I want to continue on this journey, this path that I am on. How can I grow and be a better person if those around me aren’t in integrity with me?

The way I am feeling now has caused me to want to really start a movement. Let’s all get out there, let’s step out of our boxes, let’s do the uncomfortable and BE HONEST WITH PEOPLE. I practiced this recently in teacher training. At first it felt really uncomfortable, but then I felt courageous for speaking my truth. That is where the real in me lives.


I think ultimately if said with compassion and love then the person will be grateful to have had you be straight forward with them.

Live in integrity. All we have is our word.

Comments are welcome: Where does this show up in your life? Where can you make the shift? Is this as real for you?

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