Tag Archives: insecurity

Open Those Hips

21 May

I can’t believe I am actually halfway through yoga teacher training.

I can’t believe how it has turned out to be nothing that I expected, and everything that I dreamed for.

This journey is such a powerful one. There is much work to be done, and I am happy to be getting busy doing it.

I will not reveal all the intimacies of my individual teacher training, but I will say that it has been a sublime experience. I am most definitely not the same woman I was when it all began. This past weekend in particular really stirred up the pot within me. So here I am on this Monday afternoon and I am experiencing a whole host of emotions and physically altered. I spent the vast majority of my weekend and the week prior working on “OPENING THOSE HIPS.”

It has been said that hip openers are big on releasing emotions. I have been slowly getting rid of so much stuff, but this weekend was like I cleared out the house and had  a major estate sale on pent-up feelings and junk.

I have physically never felt so open in my hips before. It is a liberating feeling. I am walking differently and feel much more centered. I love the evolution. I love watching myself from the outside as I shift and change and become the woman I see in my dreams.

I am an anxious person, and having 2 very demanding children has left me feeling frazzled and depleted on more and more days lately. Everybody under the sun told me to start meditating. Well, for some that might be an easy task, not for me. I am the person who just can’t shut the brain off, I can’t cease the conversation in my head, not even in my sleep. That is until last week. YES!!! I was finally taught to meditate, and to my chagrin I could actually accomplish a meditation. I felt like I had climbed Mt. Everest. I can only say. I have been meditating for a little over a week and the changes within myself are very noticeable and pleasing.

I am here at the table and a storm is brewing outside and inside, literally. I am unshaken. Maddock is screaming and yelling and hitting and I am a rock, impenetrable. I no longer have that feeling that I am going to explode and burst into a million little pieces. I feel like those old school clown toys that you used to punch and bounced right back up. Not that I am a doormat, but I can take a lickin’ and keep on ticking. I can’t wait to see where this journey leads me, just how far I can go with myself, to discover my true divine self.

I have spent a considerable amount of time lately frustrated with people who are uncomfortable with the fact that I am changing. So I made a choice as to how I would let this affect me. I chose to send them love. They are either scared of what they don’t know or understand, or scared that I am going to leave to go off in search of some higher spiritual enlightenment. In reality I am on a spiritual journey, but it is all in an effort to be a better human while I am on this planet. I am in awe of the possibilities that exist when I the best version of myself. What careers are out there for me? What new friends are awaiting me? What new journey is there waiting to be taken? I am full of joy at the possibility of clearing out the old to make room for all the new. It is totally awesome, for lack of a better word. Yes, there are plenty of “not so awesome” days to get through to the good stuff, but I am grateful for it all. I am grateful for all the experiences that come my way because I am here to experience them. I realize that I am only 4 years younger than my amazing dad was when his body left this earth. I am committed to filling my life and my heart with as much love and life as possible. I want to pass on to my children to fully live their lives with integrity, joy, happiness and fun. I think the best way to accomplish this goal is to lead by example so here I am.

I am welcoming a career that I love that will provide for my family. I am welcoming having children who know what it means to truly love who you are, as you are. I welcome the opportunity to live a life where work is a choice and not a “have to.” I welcome waking up every morning and being excited to start the day, even if that day is filled with the not fun stuff in life. I welcome being completely able to change and shift and grow until the day my human self leaves this earth.

They don’t call it a yoga practice for nothing, or a meditation practice or the like. This stuff takes work, commitment to yourself and those around you. I see the bigger picture. I see the end. I see how I have already made my life richer and fuller just by learning to live to be my authentic self. Scared, inspired, liberated, nervous, and hopeful. That is all me, oh there is so much more, but for the sake of not writing novel I will leave the rest to the imagination.

You Have Been Infected

15 Dec

I wish I could explain the feeling….

So why don’t I just show you.

It’s a little like this

 

 

 

Or maybe it’s like this

Or possibly like this

I don’t know what has come over me. Not that I am complaining, but it is just, well, mind-blowing. I am so on fire, so on point. I don’t know if there really is much that could knock me down. Even if there was something, it would only be a temporary setback.

Although for some people who know me it may seem as if this came out of nowhere, but it didn’t . I know the exact moment it happened

Wanna know when it was, well then let me tell you. It was the moment I walked out of the very first yoga class I ever took in my life, which by the way just happened to be led by my sister Jen. I walked out of that room on a high like i can’t even explain. There were a whole host of reasons why I felt as if I was floating. The biggest reason being that I had just done my first class and made it all the way to the end. It wasn’t a beginners class and I am really out of shape. I attempted all my handstands(with the help of the wall), did as many crows as I could, and did the breath of fire until I thought I would pass out. Within the first five minutes of being there I lost my feeling of insecurity and just went with it. There were some really amazing people in that class, I mean some serious yogis who could virtually levitate on the mat, it was awe-inspiring.
I  begged my sister not to tell anybody that it was my first yoga class, she swore she didn’t. I found out after the class that everybody knew. Not one of them led on the whole time that they knew, everybody was so friendly and supportive.

So ok, it was just a yoga class, but not really. It was a milestone on more than one level. I have always had this fear of taking classes, I worry that people will laugh at me, or think me foolish. So I finally put myself out there and it was a big one, to take a class with people who are dedicated to a yoga lifestyle.  Then secondly that I made it through the class and felt like I kept up made me feel accomplished, cause believe me I wanted to give up more than once.

Okay but that is just one part of the whole life chainging experience. I was feeling sad that morning. I was missing California and thinking about the opportunities that you have when you live there. I didn’t want to go home. Then I walked out of the class looked at Jen and said, “I can make a life anywhere.” I really didn’t think about that declaration again until a few days ago. I realized that I have completely changed since I returned from California. I can’t believe how inspired and full of life I am right now. Of course I have had many moments in my life that were filled with joy, but this is different. This feels really permanent. I think the biggest thing is really that  the joy I feel is about myself. I have always been filled with joy about my children, and my family, but lacked that same spark for myself.

Well, I can finally say it now. I LOVE MY LIFE, I LOVE MYSELF, I AM HAPPY(I MEAN REALLY HAPPY). I AM AWESOME(NOT IN A CONCEITED WAY, BUT IN A IT’S GOOD TO LOVE YOURSELF WAY). I AM WORTHY OF THE LIFE I HAVE ALWAYS DREAMT OF.

I am all those things in spite of all of these things.

I am short

I am 20lbs overweight

I have crooked teeth

i have acne

I am terrible at punctuation

I let my kids watch t.v. sometimes because I need a break

I TALK ALOT, I MEAN I REALLY TALK WAY TOO MUCH

I am not very good at calling people back

I still pay my bills late

But in spite of all those things I still feel good. I feel like I was infected with happiness in California.

I want to infect other people with that same happiness. What if you could be infected with happiness. Why do we commonly associate infection with the bad things like disease. I am going to start a new trend. I am going to start the Happiness Infection. It is simple, if you are truly happy, joyful, and in integrity with your kindness, than the people around you have no choice, they are infected.

So dear readers, go out and start infecting your friends, and family. It is amazing how good it feels to be around people who are also happy like you, it is such a breath of fresh air.

I’m Not Gonna Lie…

4 Dec

A blog should be honest right?

Today was this kind of day for me…..

I don’t know what is wrong today, or yesterday for that matter, but I am just in a funk. I am just in a bad mood. I am cranky, stressed out, tense, and to be quite honest, kinda mean.

I hate when I feel like this because it totally consumes me. It consumes every single aspect of my being. So today I find myself totally consumed with a massive amount of insecurity. I have been doing so good lately with not feeling bad about my self, and today it was as if I put my self in reverse. I am totally aware of the fact that what I am feeling is coming out of my stress and that it’s not real, however that doesn’t necessarily make it any better.

To add insult to injury I got a lovely letter in the mail from the State Department today regarding my passport. Three weeks after applying they send me this letter stating that I didn’t provide SUFFICIENT proof of my identity. Apparently a certified birth certificate and current drivers liscence(by the way this is what they told me was required and was all that was required) is no longer good enough. They sent me the letter and said that I need to submit 5 DOCUMENTS TO PROVE WHO I AM and….THAT ALL THE DOCUMENTS NEED TO BE 5 YEARS OR OLDER. Oh really. Then they go on to add a 5 page attachment of which I am to list EVERY SINGLE PLACE I EVER LIVED. They underline and restate that I must list EVERY single residence. As if I remember all that. So I am leaving for Mexico in roughly six weeks, the trip of a lifetime for me, given as a gift by my amazing sister. This is my first time out of the country, and my first time away from my kids. This is supposed to be a chance for me to recharge and have some real time to reclaim myself. So help me god if the state department screws this up for me, well…I am not sure I should post those not so nice words on here tonight.

So you see the end result of all of this mess is this…I was not nice to my kids today, mean to my mom, and really lame to my husband. So a blanket apology to all of the above is needed. I AM SORRY FOR BEING NASTY TO YOU.

I really don’t know how I even managed to write this blog tonight, yes, I am in that bad of a mood.

I made a promise to myself to be committed, and for me that means writing no matter what. That is one thing that makes me happy today, being committed and following through with a promise to myself.

I am going to be this bad day to rest now. I hope to wake tomorrow feeling a bit better than today.

Not everyday can be a good day.

I will accept all the days good and bad. I will see today for what it is a pile of you know what, and then let it go.

So dear readers can you let go of your bad days, maybe bad weeks, sometimes even bad years?

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