Tag Archives: MEXICO
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Hide and Seek

13 Feb

The boat ride leaving the yoga retreat in Mexico lasted a lifetime. I watched as the palapa’s in the mountain became smaller and more difficult to make out. The tops of the mountains began to disappear into the clouds. I felt the wind whipping across my face and into my eyes as they grew heavy with sadness. It was a life changing experience for me. It felt like my own tiny piece of heaven, I wasn’t ready to come back down to earth yet. I left with two temporary tattoos on my arm, one of them read: COURAGE.

My sticky note from Mexico reads:

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I came back home and that tattoo stayed on my inner arm for almost a week. When the letters started to fade, when they started to peel off my skin, I felt a sense of loss. What was the next thing I needed to do? What could I do to get them back? The only obvious choice for me was to get the real thing done. I called up my tattoo artist and said I am coming back in, I just been in a few months earlier for a large piece on my shoulder. I had a beautiful cherry blossom and the jewish symbol CHAI placed on my right shoulder. Symbolizing for me new beginnings and embracing all the best that my life has to offer.  I wanted the word COURAGE tattooed on my right wrist. I wanted it facing me. I want to see those words blaring at me when ever I use my hand. I want a constant reminder of what is possible for me. Oh and by the way put a heart and a dove with it. Let’ s add some love and hope with that courage.

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A year has passed since that tattoo needle pierced my skin and forever imprinted my courage. I found my courage in a myriad of places in the past 365 days. I found most times when I never even thought it was there. A year has passed, another long year. Another year full of opportunity to rise up with my courage.

Time makes things dwindle. Too much time can suck the inspiration out of you. With each day passing your courage can get eaten by its evil twins fear and doubt. At times I am playing hide and seek with my courage. It’s mine,  I am frustrated that I can’t find it. Where did you go? Why do you allude me, why when I need you most?

Here is a quote from Brene Brown. When I read her words it hit me like the slap in my face from my mother when I was 15. I had pushed her to the limit, there was anywhere left for her to go. It was eye-opening and life altering. I had to make a shift. I had to weave my courage into every thing that I was.

The root of the word courage is cor—the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage literally had a very different definition than it does today. Courage originally meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” Over time, this definition has actually changed, and today, courage is synonymous with being heroic or performing brave deeds

I have fallen of course just slightly. I had temporarily lost my courage. It takes practice for me to keep it so close to my heart. I struggle with consistency like that. My courage is calling me. I believe in the motto ‘Fake it till you make it’ but, I don’t want to fake it anymore. I desire the freedom that comes with speaking ones mind and telling ones heart. I long for that full and total expression of joy that comes with owning up to who you are and what you stand for.

I am peeking over the edge now. Lately I have noticed hints of that courage popping up in my life. I want to turn those hints into full-blown courage attacks.

Attacks of massive courage that take complete control over my soul.

Are you ready for your courage attack?

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It’s Closing Time

31 Dec

What a year 2012 as turned out to be!

I quit smoking

I graduated my yoga teacher training.

I opened my yoga studio.

I traveled to Mexico.

I started my blog.

I held my first One Small Step walk for Prader Willi Syndrome and raised 10k dollars to find a cure for my son.

I wrote some amazing articles for Positively Positive.

I watched my sister Jennifer Pastiloff become to writing and yoga practice explode.

I cut all my hair off and dyed it platinum blonde(Thanks to my amazing friend Julie Goeddeke) it was such a fun change

I learned to meditate and connect with my true Self.

Did I mention I quit smoking?

I couldn’t talk about this year without talking about how  my ‘family’ grew. In the past year I have become friends with some of the most amazing and wonderful souls. Individuals that are so near and dear to my heart.

I have so much to be thankful for as this year comes to a close. I have had another amazing year to sit and watch my children grow into stunningly handsome and wonderful young men. I have come to watch myself as an outsider and continue to grow and practice my path of self-awareness.

I am so glad to have this year come to a close and not have any regrets, I don’t feel that anything is left undone. All the amazing things that I wasn’t able to fulfill in the days gone by are just new journeys waiting to unfold in my future.

I have had an amazing tough year and through it all I can say I AM BLESSED BEYOND BELIEF.

Lately I have had some health issues, the kind that make you really question your life and all that you have left to do.  As it would turn out my mother happened to be visiting me as I became ill. It has been during this time that I have come to learn what the true meaning of family is. The days when I couldn’t use my hands to dress myself, she was there. The days where I couldn’t get my children’s shoes on to go to school, she was there. I have always known what an amazing mom I had, but when it comes down to it she would but her own life aside so that mine would be better. That is the type of mother I strive to be in my life. My dad and sister call everyday to see how I am and the love I feel through the phone fills my heart so much so that it could almost explode. As this year comes to a close I am so aware of how my family is even closer, inseparable, and filled with truly deep and honest love for each other.

That being said I am still able to walk, talk, and use my body. For that I am grateful, for that I am blessed.

I want to say HAPPY NEW YEAR to all of the amazing people in my life, those I know well and those I have yet to spend time with. I want to wish a blessed new year to all the souls who walk this earth and make it a more interesting place.

Some great pics that represent this amazing year.

My life in the present moment

7 Mar

I am the child who lost her father 29 years ago…

When you lose a parent at a very young age, 5 years old in my case, you learn early on how precious life really is.

I knew at the precious young age of 5 that anything and anybody can be taken from you without warning.

Knowing this doesn’t make it any easier when again at 34 years old somebody you cared about is taken away. It still makes no sense at all.

I got the call about Steve on Saturday morning as I was healing from having 5 teeth removed from my jaw. I was having a hard time hearing what my sister was telling me. When it finally registered all I could do was let out a wail and cry. Crying hurt so bad because my face was completely swollen. I spent the entire day in a daze, feeling overwhelmed with sadness and loss.

Steve Bridges was an amazing human being. He happened to be part of our magical 13 in Mexico. Those of you who know me or read my blog know that Mexico was life changing for me.

Steve was a part of the miraculous shift in my life.

His loss for myself and the others in his life is profound, to say the least.

Steve’s loss has brought up a huge amount of emotion inside of me.

Prior to Mexico I began a journey to recharge and change my soul. Mexico sealed the deal for me. I cam home as a motivated, inspired, dedicated, committed, and loving person. I am on my way.

All the important things in my life ran through my mind on Saturday as I thought of the loss of my dear friend.

What is important to me?

Who is important to me?

What do I stand for?

What do I want to accomplish in my life?

What kind of mother do I want to be?

What legacy do I want to leave for my children?

What kind of life do I want to live?

What kind of people do I want to surround me in my life?

Why wait for the “what if’s in life, start living my dreams now”!

I  couldn’t stop thinking about all of these questions. I remember Steve telling me all the plans he had for his future. I felt overwhelmed with sadness that he didn’t get to fulfill so many of those things.

I know this much. He lived out so many of his dreams. Things that were important to him, he did. He wasn’t waiting for some better time, or better circumstance, he really did live his life.

I want the same for myself. There really is no better time than now to start living. Sounds clichéd but it is true.

I wonder if the morning my dad died if he thought to himself, “Did I tell my kids I love them today. Have I lived a good life?” Probably not!

I don’t want that for myself. I want to truly live my life, so that if for some reason I am taken, I will have no regrets.

I can say proudly that I have not smoked a cigarette in an entire week. I feel great. I took the step to be around for my children.

I have spent a ton of time really engaging with my kids this week. I have made an effort to really sit and be with them. I make an effort that every single time I talk to them I look them dead in the eyes. I want them to feel my presence and how special they are.

I am more calm and collected. I am taking the time to appreciate all the moments of my life.

I start my teacher training at the end of the month. I am moving forward on this journey of my life. I am not waiting anymore for the “right” time. You can’t what or you may find out that time never comes and then its too late.

I am committed to living my life 100% of the time with 100% of myself committed.

Loss is such a funny thing. Through all the sadness you can gain some clarity on things you may be struggling with.

I am so blessed to have spent that week in Mexico with Steve. I am so blessed to have known him. He taught me a lot about myself in Mexico, and he taught me even more in his death.

I dedicate this blog tonight to Steve Bridges. May you rest in peace with the angels. You will always be loved and missed forever.

Nothing will stop me

5 Dec

SO GLAD TODAY IS OVER. SO GLAD THAT I TOOK ON THE STRESS AND I WON.

SO PART TWO OF MY PASSPORT SITUATION:

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT TO GET A PASSPORT YOU WOULD HAVE TO

LIST EVERY SINGLE PLACE YOU LIVED, EVERY JOB YOU EVER HAD, EVERY SCHOOL YOU EVER ATTENDED, ALL YOUR FAMILY, AND THEN SOME…

THEN YOU HAVE TO PROVIDE A GAZILLION DOCUMENTS FROM 5 YEARS OR OLDER THAT HAVE YOUR PICTURE AND A DATE, OR YOUR SIGNATURE, SOCIAL AND A DATE. I MEAN COME ON WE ALL HAVE ALL THAT STUFF LYING AROUND OUR HOUSES RIGHT?

NO, NO WE DON’T. SOMEHOW I FOUND ENOUGH TO MAKE IT WORK

So I rushed over the post office and sent the novel I had to write over to the State Department. I paid extra money to make sure somebody received it. So basically it is like this, god only knows why my passport application got flagged, and to be quite honest I don’t care. All I care about is this.

I AM GOING ON THIS TRIP. I AM GOING TO XINALANI

This trip is really special to me. I am really looking forward to having some really good quality time with my sister. Some time for us to really be together and reconnect. I am also really looking forward to using this time to recharge my soul as well. The past five years have done a number on my spirit. I feel so honored to be able to go, it is not something that I would have ever done for myself. It is a birthday gift that I will never forget for the rest of my life. 

SO I MANIFEST THE FOLLOWING:

A REALLY NICE AMAZING PERSON IS THE ONE WHO PROCESSES MY PASSPORT

MY PASSPORT COMES IN A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME FROM NOW

WHILE I AM GONE, MY CHILDREN ARE REALLY WELL BEHAVED FOR MY MOM

MY SISTER AND I HAVE AN AMAZING SPIRITUAL JOURNEY TOGETHER

I CAN FINALLY DO A HEADSTAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM

I CAN ALSO DO PINCHA MAYURASANA EASILY AND BEAUTIFULLY. 

I WAS TOTALLY GRACIOUS AND KIND TO ALL THE PASSPORT PEOPLE ON THE PHONE TODAY. I HOPE THAT KINDNESS FINDS IT’S WAY BACK TO ME.

NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS TO DO, I WILL ENVISION A HAPPY ENDING TO MY STRESSFUL SITUATION. EVEN IF THIS SITUATION IS NOT LIFE THREATENING, IT IS STILL A WAY TO PRACTICE “SEEING THE END” THAT I WANT.

NO MATTER HOW BAD, STRESSFUL, LAME, FRUSTRATING, OR JUST PLAIN SUCKY A SITUATION IS, I WILL ALWAYS BE KIND THE PERSON ON THE OTHER END.

So dear readers can you find a way to be kind, even when you don’t want to. Can you find a way to see a happy ending even when it seems so hard to visualize?

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