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Tag Archives: parenting
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Will You Forgive?

16 Feb

Saturday night and I am cozy in my bed with my two little kittens by my side. It is freezing outside. A beautiful sunny day has turned into a cloudy and bitterly cold evening. I turned up the heat and got under the blankets. I am all alone in my room as I turn on the Beyonce interview on OWN. She spends quite a bit of time talking about her daughter and being a mom and all that comes with being a parent.

There was a scene where Beyonce is filming herself at home in her bed. She looks at the camera and talks about feeling the baby move for the first time, the excitement that comes with those first kicks.

I immediately shutter. I try not to think about things like that regarding my own pregnancies. I have not forgiven myself yet.

I have not forgiven myself yet.

My sister wrote a beautiful essay about our sweet angel Ronan and his passing on February 15th. She wrote  when something like this happens, when a child dies, you realize why lie. Why lie about anything.So here I am. Being as real and raw as I can be. As I sat and watch this woman on television talk about how she felt her baby kick and how exciting that was I realize that I still feel like a failure. I feel like I let Blaise down. Why wasn’t I one of those women counting every kick, monitoring every moment in the womb. If I had would things have been different? Could I have changed things in his life? Would I have saved him and I from three years of suffering. All of the tests were fine when I was pregnant. I did feel his body move inside me, but there were no big baby kicks, like the ones everybody talks about. Some babies are quiet in the womb, the doctors told me .

Why didn’t I question that more? Why didn’t I push more? Why didn’t I do more. More Period.

It still weighs on me that he wasn’t diagnosed with Prader Willi Syndrome for three years. Of course it took me a year of testing to get that diagnosis. I did all I could once I knew there was work to be done, but there is always the feeling of not soon enough. It still weighs me down in my few moments alone. I still feel that it was up to me to protect him, and I didn’t, not soon enough.I try not to watch things regarding pregnancies. They bring up such raw and unnerving feelings for me. I push these things down and away. I want to believe that I have come to terms with the way things transpired in my life, in his life. Things happen exactly as they are supposed to, I want to believe this, but I  am left feeling that I got it wrong somewhere.

I don’t wan to lie anymore. I still feel that in some way I could have done more. It leaves me feeling incomplete. I want to say that I have been the best most powerful and dedicated mother. I worry sometimes that I wasn’t dedicated enough or strong enough in the beginning, in the first moments when it mattered the most. Does that set the stage for the future?

This is the most honest and human I can be.

Where is your honesty wanting to come out. Post below and share it now.

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Everyday Like Today

28 May

I wish everyday was like today, period!!!

It was a perfect day. I got to spend the entire day outside with my kids and watch them swim in the mini pool. I watched my husband cook on the grill (yay for me no cooking at all), I had some wonderful conversations with my in-laws and I got to enjoy a beautiful glass of Pinot noir. Dare I ask what more could there be? Well okay, if my sister and mom and dad were here it would have been the most PERFECT of days, close enough though.

My in-laws bought a mini pool, it is big enough for me to swim in, the water is about 3 feet deep. I found myself just floating and staring up at the sky. I watched the most beautiful clouds swirl above my head, and I was so relaxed. I thought, “why can’t everyday be like today?” So much peace, no fighting, everybody doing their own thing but feeling very connected, and so much life all around us. I floated in the pool like that for quite some time, listening to the silence, or how all the sounds seem so much slower and quieter. I felt my body as it appeared to weigh almost nothing, all the heaviness just drifted away. I wasn’t worried about how I looked in my bathing suit, or did I remember to pay this bill, or do that thing, all I thought about was just drifting slowly and enjoying the moment as I relished the quiet outside and inside.

It was wonderful eating a great meal and watching my kids play and play and laugh all day long. I felt no pressure or stress. My entire family felt very relaxed and at ease. This is why I wish everyday was like today.

I spoke to my sister on the phone today and I told her that I finally cemented in my mind what SUCCESS is to me. To me success is peace. Of course there is a small idea of money in there, but it really is only to the point; where there is no stress to pay a bill or provide for my children. I truly define success as peacefulness in my life. Freedom from constant arguing, complaining, worrying about money, and let’s not forget the forever screaming. Success to me means having a job that I truly love and working is a “get to” not a “have to.” I will be successful when I get paid to do what I love and my family is functioning harmoniously. This is the definition I have finally come to claim in my mind.

Today felt very much like what I see in my head. Everybody was calm, happy, living in the present moment and enjoying all the blessings that life has bestowed upon us.

I feel extremely grateful to be alive today. I am still on an incredible journey of self-awareness and learning to live my best life, and I am so enjoying every moment of it.

PERFECT DON’T LIVE HERE ANYMORE!!

3 Dec

Where there is a will there is a way!

I really don’t think there is such a thing as a perfect parent, but there is such a thing as a loving parent, and a dedicated parent. I have spent so much time over the last 5 years questioning whether or not I was a good parent. I have spent many days and nights feeling as if I am not doing right by my kids. I know we shouldn’t compare ourselves to other parents, but  I do all the time. I am always thinking that I could do more, be better, or just do it right. I see all my friends with their kids and think how do they do it? How do they keep such a clean house, or why aren’t they as tired as me, or how are they able to do so many things with their kids? I think more often than not, that I am really not a very successful parent. It is bad enough when I compare my kids and my self to my friends with “typical” kids, but even worse when I compare myself to other PWS moms. I think how do they do so much more therapy than me, how do they have so much time for fundraising, or why do they seem so much less stressed than me? It really hit me over the last few days that although I am NOT perfect, I am doing the best that I can. I may not do everything, but I am still DOING, TRYING, and MOVING FORWARD.

I did it, I made it to Nashville with Blaise. The reason for the trip was to participate in a PWS research study on behavior. This has to be one of the most important things that Blaise and I have done. Research will lead to a cure, and we want to be a part of that, and now WE ARE! So through all my fatigue we hit the road yesterday and made it Nashville in 4 hours. We woke up this morning and headed to Vanderbilt University to meet the amazing Dr. Roof. We spent the next 7 hours in various testing situations and we were both exhausted. As soon as the testing was over we got in the car, cranked the engine and started the  5 hour drive home. I was so tired, I mean really tired ( I have been up since 5:45am), but I was committed to getting Blaise home to see his daddy. I realized as I was driving, that no matter how tired, or sick, or stressed out I am, I will find a way to DO MY PART as his mom. I will always find a way to get him to therapy, karate, gymnastics, DR. Miller in Florida, Dr. Roof in Nashville, all the doctors in Atlanta, school, NaNa and Papa’s house, and anything else he needs. I do it because I am committed to him, because I love him, because if I am not the best mom…I am at least the mom who tries. What I realized is that even though I am unorganized, not the best housekeeper, sometimes yell and scream, don’t d all the therapy in the world, and forget to do the laundry, I am still a great mom. I am a mom who will go the extra mile for my kids and that in itself is enough.I do it because I am needed by them as much as they are needed by me.

I do it because when I walked in the door tonight my two year old said to me, “Mom, you came back to me!”

(Just to clarify…..NOT A REAL GUN. Maddock likes to be like his dad. Currently he is a hunter, or, in his words “I AM A MAN”)

That alone is enough to make me walk to the ends of the earth for them.

They don’t care if I am perfect, they only care that I love them!

So taking a cue from my sister Jen, I will now add my perfection quest into my pile of “dookie”

I AM DONE WITH THAT…

I am done with trying to be perfect. I am done with trying to fit into some mold of what I am SUPPOSED to be! I am going to start taking lessons from my kids, and just starting being ME. I have always been a bit different, and like both of my kids, I march to my own beat. If I am going to teach my kids to be individuals and to love themselves than MOMMY has to do the same. So I am going to ROCK ON WITH MY BAD SELF and…..

So dear readers, I am officially giving you all permission to say out loud. I AM NOT PERFECT AND THAT IS JUST FINE BY ME!!!!

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