Tag Archives: Religion and Spirituality

Find Me Now

21 Feb

Life is full of surfacey things. Chock full of material things to fill out time. Jobs, cars, iPad, and gym memberships, all things to keep us busy and paint a pretty picture of who we ARE.

I can stay busy all day writing in my blog or reading a book. I can play with my secret diary on my iPad or paint my nails. I can cook elaborate and beautiful meals for my family without any planning at all. I can do so many things. Is that who I am? I can make a list of all the things I think I am:

Mother, Daughter, Sister, Wife, Friend, Yoga Teacher, Aspiring Chef, Aspiring artist, Aspiring author, blog owner and so on.

Is that who I am?


I am a questioner and lover of the grandiose picture of life, the big picture. I want to know, when do we find out who we really are, what our real I AM-NESS truly is.

Do we find it during the happy and joyful times. Maybe we find that we are blissful and loving and a lover when we get married, maybe that is who we are. Maybe we give birth to a beautiful baby and see those tiny eyes and think, I am a dedicated soul for this little human, okay I get it, this is who I am. Maybe you get the career of your dreams and travel the world while getting paid buckets of money to do exactly what you love, you sit back and say. HOLY SHIT THIS IS WHO I AM, AND I LOVE IT.

Or is that not it at all. Is it found when you are in the dark places. The hollow and shallow place where no light can come in. The cave where you are all alone and can only hear the echo of your own raspy and tired voice. Is this where you find yourself? Is it when the call comes in that your child has an incurable condition, one that you can’t fix, is this where you find out you are warrior, that you have strength you never knew lived inside. Maybe you find out that your baby is going to die and you will have to spend two years watching his body slow down until it is no more. Is it then that you find you are filled with words and compassion and thousands of people will be changed by your words put to pen and paper. Maybe after years of anger and rage you finally reach the point to which your soul can take no more, you can finally rise up and stand again on your own two feet. Is this the moment?

I can’t answer any of the questions. I have a secret to share. I keep waiting for somebody to answer that question for me. I keep waiting for somebody to come and share with me the wisdom of this world. Where is this mythical creature who will show me the path, shine the light, and get me to my destination safely. My savior.

I can’t be the only one, in fact of course I am not. I think we all have a small desire in us to have somebody else help us along the way. I think the harsh reality is this, nobody is going to come and share their wisdom with me. It will be their wisdom and not mine anyway.

Where will you find yourself? Will it be in the lightness or the darkness? If has already happened, is it earth shattering?


Please share and help shine your light for others.



Doesn’t Feel Good

28 Oct
Cover of "Life Is a Verb: 37 Days to Wake...

Cover via Amazon

I am reading an amazing book called, ‘Life is a Verb: 37 Days to Wake Up, Be Mindful, and Live Intentionally‘ by Patti Digh. I picked up this book and have been unable to put it down. Wanting to live a life full of intention is my main focus every single day.

At the end of each chapter there are two exercises for the reader to follow. One is to be done right away, the second is a daily practice. The second exercise is the one that you keep coming back to until it becomes part of you, this is the one I am most interested in.

The chapter I am currently reading deals with the theme of ‘judgement’, most importantly how to live a life without passing judgement. An irony not lost on me as I was on the phone with a friend. I have a friend who is in a romantic relationship that I would have a difficult time partaking in. I spoke this out loud and even used the words that I thought it was a ‘strange’ situation. I immediately felt unsettled inside. I knew instantly that I was doing something that was not congruent with the way I want to live my life. I want to find peace in my world. When I pass judgement on others, I invite them to do the same to me.

I caught myself trying to defend myself and say that I wasn’t judging but…We all know that was not the truth. My friend on the other end of the phone said, “Well, I guess it’s a good thing you don’t have to live their life.” I realized just how foolish I sound. Who am I to think that their life is strange or weird?

I felt terrible when I hung up the phone. It doesn’t feel good to be judgmental. It doesn’t feel good to gossip. It doesn’t feel good to be in-congruent.Certain things become clear to me, as I keep going deeper and deeper in a life of living intentionally.

It doesn’t feel good to be one way in the world, and another way in your private thoughts. They need to match up. They need to be consistent.

I need to be consistent.

My inner world needs to match my outer world. I am still a student. I am always willing to keep looking in and making the changes and shifts needed to live a life full of meaningful moments. We don’t remember days we remember moments. I want to remember my moments as ones that were compassionate, loving, joyful, caring, authentic, and kind.

I was recently told by a friend to do it all with kindness. Even when it is hard, do it with kindness. This is a practice I plan to take very seriously.

Where in your life can you “Do it with kindness?”


Is it Right?

11 Oct

English: This is a photograph I personally too...

When I went with my sister and saw Wayne Dyer speak in Atlanta is was magical. Wow, is really all that I can say. The energy in that room was electrifying. Dr. Dyer spoke about the book he had just released entitled ‘Wishes Fulfilled’ and he spoke about many of the main points of his message in the book. The following point really stuck with me.

It must feel natural to you. You have to be able to say to yourself ” Even if I don’t know how to do it, even if I have no experience, even if everyone has told me I can’t do it, my wish fulfilled feels natural to me!”

Last night as I drove to work and waited, nobody came. It was the first time in a month that I didn’t have at least one student. It does make you feel a bit defeated. As I drove home I began to feel a flurry of emotions. Things that caused me to really dig deep within myself to find the answers.

Does this feel natural to me? Is this right for me? Am I a fraud, a phony? 

Am I really meant to be a yoga teacher, a leader, a connector?

So how do you know when it’s right? Is there a magic formula for equating the “rightness” of something?

I suspect not but I do know a few things:

1. Is an old conversation you have about yourself  preventing you from feeling comfortable in your life? If so, what would happen if you took away that conversation and replaced it with one that serves you better?

2. Are you living your dream and not the dream that others have decided for you? If you are living your dream then give yourself some time and you will slip into your skin soon enough.

3. Fake it till you make it. If you love what you do but still feel a bit unsure of yourself then ‘Fake it till you make it.’ Wing it as they say. Eventually all the pieces will fall into place.

I thought about all the above things in relation to my situation. Here is what I cam up with.

I realized quickly that my ‘old and bothersome’ old conversations about myself are butting in and interfering with my ‘rightness’.

Old conversations like, “I am not good at this. I haven’t been doing yoga long enough. People are going to find out I am a fraud. I don’t know what I am doing. I am not as good as others, blah..blah…blah…”

I am not special we all do this, some to a deeper degree than others. 

Wanting to be at point Z before barely leaving point A. Yet another behavior that many of fall into. It’s a trap. Of course it doesn’t feel completely ‘right’ yet. I am barely beginning. I am a rookie. It is like a pair of leather pants that are brand new and never worn, it is going to take some time for them to fit all my curves and melt into my body just the way I want them to. It is going to take time for me to find my voice, to find my way of teaching, leading, and connecting.

I am a lover of yoga. I am a writer. I am a connector and sometimes I feel not quite right in my own shoes. 

Can you relate?

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.  Watch your words, for they become actions.  Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.” – Unknown


The Weigh In

4 Oct

Over the past week I have read numerous articles online regarding women and their weight. I have read article after article about eating disorders and yoga. I keep reading these works and hoping that they will somehow seep into my soul and magically heal me.

Since I began my path of healing through yoga I have had so many ups and downs. I have had moments of immense light and had a few dark nights of the soul.

One thing I desperately miss about being in teacher training is the safe secure womb you are in during that period. I had this amazing nest of souls who just with their mere presence in your life transform you into a fearless being. I found that most of my physical insecurities disappeared during those 5 months. With all of those obstacles out-of-the-way I was able to work on healing the inner ME my true SELF.

Now many months later I am back in the real world. The world where I am staring a new business, a mother, a wife, have deadlines and bills to pay. What happens? All those little insecurities begin to creep back in one by one.

I have written about my medical issues that have plagued my life over the past few years. I have struggled lately with a freak weight gain and as of last week I have gained yet more weight. The doctors have no idea what is causing all of this sudden change in my body. The tests are out and we wait again for results to come in.

The sudden change in my appearance has really put my yoga practice to the test. I keep coming back to the Niyama of Santosha, or contentment. I am working on and off the mat to be content with where I am NOW.

I seek contentment with my physical self the way it is, even if I am 20 pounds heavier than I was before. I seek contentment on the mat with not being able to perform particular postures. I seek contentment with the pace of my journey, knowing that it is more important than reaching my destination.

I am also human, and I am most definitely in a bit of a power struggle with myself now.

I was scanning the TV today and came across a tv show where they were helping a woman learn to dress more appropriately. The girl on the screen was so beautiful and curvy. As the interview went on you could see the pain she felt deep inside her soul. She hated her body, she hated what she saw, she saw absolutely nothing of worth in the craft that was given to her. She spoke of how she had no full length mirrors in her house and she never looked at herself from the neck down. My heart ached for her, she was indeed truly beautiful but she did not see herself that way. This is not what I want for myself. This is not the road I want to travel.

When I went to the doctor last week they put me on the scale. According to the doctor I am OVERWEIGHT. Yikes. Immediately I came home and felt different. Why do we fall into this trap. I have made a promise to myself to not get on the scale anymore, and I haven’t.

I am a yoga teacher. I do practice what I teach. I am going to use my practice to come to a higher place. I am going to use my practice to learn to love myself in a way that I have never been able to do before. I am going to step on my mat everyday and practice Santosha. I can find peace with where I am now.

I will call upon Lord Ganesha to help me remove all obstacles in my path.

Living in Fear

30 Jul
Yoga Class at a Gym

Yoga Class at a Gym (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I woke up from a nightmare this morning. It was your typical, run of the mill anxiety dreams. I finish my teacher training next Saturday, and the anxiety is kicking in full gear. My dream went a little something like this. I booked a yoga private at a small company. I arrive at the job and have forgotten all my yoga props and clothes. I decide to make it work only to find out that I can’t remember anything, and apparently can’t even get them to one pose. I am immediately fired and that is where the story ends. Yes, I knew right away it was a common anxiety dream, but that didn’t subdue the panic inside for the rest of the day.

Hours had gone by since I had my dream of “ultimate” failure, and I started having a flood of memories, not the good kind. I couldn’t stop thinking of an earlier time in my life that was very painful, a time where I made more mistakes than good choices. I automatically started feeling as if I couldn’t breathe. All of the old feelings came pouring into me like over flow water from a storm drain. I could not contain them and they just began spilling out everywhere. I could not believe that I was allowing my thoughts to run astray and take hold of me.

I knew exactly where this was going. This was the ‘self sabotage’ train and it was running full steam ahead. Of course I would not succeed as a yoga teacher, blah-blah-blah, you know the rest. Look at all these mistakes I made, look at all the failures I had, and the embarrassment I feel just to think of it. Who am I to have success in my life? Who am I to be good at something? Who am I to destroy the image I have of myself, the image that stays with me like a red wine stain on your white jeans.

Who am I not to?

I just can’t live in that space anymore. I won’t live in that space anymore. I could see it as it was happening, I could feel it inside of me and I recognized it immediately. It was my old friend fear trying to finagle its’ way back into my life. I am not willing to be friends with fear anymore. A nice healthy dose of fear is great to get you motivated and kick your tush into high gear, but take it too far and it is crippling.

I have no choice but take a leap of faith with my life. I have no choice but to throw my fear out the window and declare that I shall succeed, with no guarantee of the outcome. I predict many more dreams in the coming days and weeks, and I will thank them and wish them well. Thank you dreams for reminding me of the excitement and uncertainty of life, but I won’t let fear live rent free in my head anymore.

That being said I want to say this:

Namaste to the amazing 24 people who I shared this teacher training with and all the  souls who will be lucky enough to have them lead you in a yoga class one day. I declare continued growth, love, and success to all of them.

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