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Tag Archives: yoga
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Is it Right?

11 Oct

English: This is a photograph I personally too...

When I went with my sister and saw Wayne Dyer speak in Atlanta is was magical. Wow, is really all that I can say. The energy in that room was electrifying. Dr. Dyer spoke about the book he had just released entitled ‘Wishes Fulfilled’ and he spoke about many of the main points of his message in the book. The following point really stuck with me.

It must feel natural to you. You have to be able to say to yourself ” Even if I don’t know how to do it, even if I have no experience, even if everyone has told me I can’t do it, my wish fulfilled feels natural to me!”

Last night as I drove to work and waited, nobody came. It was the first time in a month that I didn’t have at least one student. It does make you feel a bit defeated. As I drove home I began to feel a flurry of emotions. Things that caused me to really dig deep within myself to find the answers.

Does this feel natural to me? Is this right for me? Am I a fraud, a phony? 

Am I really meant to be a yoga teacher, a leader, a connector?

So how do you know when it’s right? Is there a magic formula for equating the “rightness” of something?

I suspect not but I do know a few things:

1. Is an old conversation you have about yourself  preventing you from feeling comfortable in your life? If so, what would happen if you took away that conversation and replaced it with one that serves you better?

2. Are you living your dream and not the dream that others have decided for you? If you are living your dream then give yourself some time and you will slip into your skin soon enough.

3. Fake it till you make it. If you love what you do but still feel a bit unsure of yourself then ‘Fake it till you make it.’ Wing it as they say. Eventually all the pieces will fall into place.

I thought about all the above things in relation to my situation. Here is what I cam up with.

I realized quickly that my ‘old and bothersome’ old conversations about myself are butting in and interfering with my ‘rightness’.

Old conversations like, “I am not good at this. I haven’t been doing yoga long enough. People are going to find out I am a fraud. I don’t know what I am doing. I am not as good as others, blah..blah…blah…”

I am not special we all do this, some to a deeper degree than others. 

Wanting to be at point Z before barely leaving point A. Yet another behavior that many of fall into. It’s a trap. Of course it doesn’t feel completely ‘right’ yet. I am barely beginning. I am a rookie. It is like a pair of leather pants that are brand new and never worn, it is going to take some time for them to fit all my curves and melt into my body just the way I want them to. It is going to take time for me to find my voice, to find my way of teaching, leading, and connecting.

I am a lover of yoga. I am a writer. I am a connector and sometimes I feel not quite right in my own shoes. 

Can you relate?

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.  Watch your words, for they become actions.  Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.” – Unknown

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The Weigh In

4 Oct

Over the past week I have read numerous articles online regarding women and their weight. I have read article after article about eating disorders and yoga. I keep reading these works and hoping that they will somehow seep into my soul and magically heal me.

Since I began my path of healing through yoga I have had so many ups and downs. I have had moments of immense light and had a few dark nights of the soul.

One thing I desperately miss about being in teacher training is the safe secure womb you are in during that period. I had this amazing nest of souls who just with their mere presence in your life transform you into a fearless being. I found that most of my physical insecurities disappeared during those 5 months. With all of those obstacles out-of-the-way I was able to work on healing the inner ME my true SELF.

Now many months later I am back in the real world. The world where I am staring a new business, a mother, a wife, have deadlines and bills to pay. What happens? All those little insecurities begin to creep back in one by one.

I have written about my medical issues that have plagued my life over the past few years. I have struggled lately with a freak weight gain and as of last week I have gained yet more weight. The doctors have no idea what is causing all of this sudden change in my body. The tests are out and we wait again for results to come in.

The sudden change in my appearance has really put my yoga practice to the test. I keep coming back to the Niyama of Santosha, or contentment. I am working on and off the mat to be content with where I am NOW.

I seek contentment with my physical self the way it is, even if I am 20 pounds heavier than I was before. I seek contentment on the mat with not being able to perform particular postures. I seek contentment with the pace of my journey, knowing that it is more important than reaching my destination.

I am also human, and I am most definitely in a bit of a power struggle with myself now.

I was scanning the TV today and came across a tv show where they were helping a woman learn to dress more appropriately. The girl on the screen was so beautiful and curvy. As the interview went on you could see the pain she felt deep inside her soul. She hated her body, she hated what she saw, she saw absolutely nothing of worth in the craft that was given to her. She spoke of how she had no full length mirrors in her house and she never looked at herself from the neck down. My heart ached for her, she was indeed truly beautiful but she did not see herself that way. This is not what I want for myself. This is not the road I want to travel.

When I went to the doctor last week they put me on the scale. According to the doctor I am OVERWEIGHT. Yikes. Immediately I came home and felt different. Why do we fall into this trap. I have made a promise to myself to not get on the scale anymore, and I haven’t.

I am a yoga teacher. I do practice what I teach. I am going to use my practice to come to a higher place. I am going to use my practice to learn to love myself in a way that I have never been able to do before. I am going to step on my mat everyday and practice Santosha. I can find peace with where I am now.

I will call upon Lord Ganesha to help me remove all obstacles in my path.

A Little Heartbreak

15 Sep

I drove into my studio today thinking I would definitely have students for my Saturday class. I thought for sure that my client from last week would be waiting for me in the parking lot. We had a great session together and she seemed really happy. However, as I pulled into the lot I had a feeling that I would be all alone today. When you show up and there is nobody there waiting to take your class, well it definitely tears at your soul a little.

What inevitably happens is that I immediately begin to question my abilities, my worth, and my being in general. I start to immediately think that, “I must have done something wrong for them not to come back.” “I must have scared them away.” ” I am never going to make this work.” “What was I thinking, this is crazy.” “I just want to run for the hills.”

So I have all these feelings and the fluttering in your heart when you are sad and want to cry. I take a moment and decide that I need to leave the building and get in my car. I get in my car and do what I always do, I crank up the tunes and sing. Not long after I commenced with my own private AMERICAN IDOL routine do I realize that my useless conversation from the moments before had left me. Of course I still felt disappointed and not as peppy as I was in the wee hours of the morning, but I wasn’t completely defeated.

Instead I decided to run around town and give out my business cards to everybody I met and knew. I decided to create a special for the first six months of business as an incentive for new clients. I felt better being pro-active and being full of self-pity.

I have experienced many emotions over the last few weeks since my studio opened. Mostly they are related to being scared and doubtful of myself. When situations like this arise in my life I feel sometimes like it is a self fulling prophecy.

I made a promise to myself this morning that I was going to do everything in my power to fight that “old version” of me, to fight the “version of me that lives in fear.” I am not there yet 100% but I am working on it. It is so hard when you are in a vulnerable state to stand up to that nasty little voice inside you that wants you to be small and fearful of the life.

Days like today really force me to examine where I am on my journey of self discovery.

So there it is folks, I said it. I am scared, self-conscious, heartbroken at times, and fighting a battle with myself, to stand tall in spite of the winds that want to knock me over.

That is the nitty-gritty truth.

Namaste-

Living in Fear

30 Jul
Yoga Class at a Gym

Yoga Class at a Gym (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I woke up from a nightmare this morning. It was your typical, run of the mill anxiety dreams. I finish my teacher training next Saturday, and the anxiety is kicking in full gear. My dream went a little something like this. I booked a yoga private at a small company. I arrive at the job and have forgotten all my yoga props and clothes. I decide to make it work only to find out that I can’t remember anything, and apparently can’t even get them to one pose. I am immediately fired and that is where the story ends. Yes, I knew right away it was a common anxiety dream, but that didn’t subdue the panic inside for the rest of the day.

Hours had gone by since I had my dream of “ultimate” failure, and I started having a flood of memories, not the good kind. I couldn’t stop thinking of an earlier time in my life that was very painful, a time where I made more mistakes than good choices. I automatically started feeling as if I couldn’t breathe. All of the old feelings came pouring into me like over flow water from a storm drain. I could not contain them and they just began spilling out everywhere. I could not believe that I was allowing my thoughts to run astray and take hold of me.

I knew exactly where this was going. This was the ‘self sabotage’ train and it was running full steam ahead. Of course I would not succeed as a yoga teacher, blah-blah-blah, you know the rest. Look at all these mistakes I made, look at all the failures I had, and the embarrassment I feel just to think of it. Who am I to have success in my life? Who am I to be good at something? Who am I to destroy the image I have of myself, the image that stays with me like a red wine stain on your white jeans.

Who am I not to?

I just can’t live in that space anymore. I won’t live in that space anymore. I could see it as it was happening, I could feel it inside of me and I recognized it immediately. It was my old friend fear trying to finagle its’ way back into my life. I am not willing to be friends with fear anymore. A nice healthy dose of fear is great to get you motivated and kick your tush into high gear, but take it too far and it is crippling.

I have no choice but take a leap of faith with my life. I have no choice but to throw my fear out the window and declare that I shall succeed, with no guarantee of the outcome. I predict many more dreams in the coming days and weeks, and I will thank them and wish them well. Thank you dreams for reminding me of the excitement and uncertainty of life, but I won’t let fear live rent free in my head anymore.

That being said I want to say this:

Namaste to the amazing 24 people who I shared this teacher training with and all the  souls who will be lucky enough to have them lead you in a yoga class one day. I declare continued growth, love, and success to all of them.

I Am Balanced

16 Jul

Here we are less than one month away from my 200 hour yoga teacher training being complete. The last 4 months have flown by.

I knew without a doubt that this training would not only be educational, but also life changing.

Life changing doesn’t always mean pleasant. Life changing can be difficult and very uncomfortable. I have been very introspective over the last 4 months, and this past weekend was particularly tough for me. As my day ended yesterday I realized that I was looking at the darkest parts of myself that I dread the most, the parts that I wish were different. It is challenging for me to examine something about myself that needs adjusting and not tear myself down in the process.

That is what lead to me write this post. My life is completely new. It’s a new ride and I am enjoying the scenery. The major lesson that I am taking away from this experience of personal growth, is that I am always changing. I am an always evolving being. It is okay to have things that need some improvement, and I don’t have to make it mean something is inherently “WRONG” with me. We all have so many facets to our personalities and I am striving to live a life that is BALANCED.

I am seeking balance in my life.

Every day I get closer and closer to having that balance, and as I get closer so do all those in my life, especially  my children. Being a balanced parent is the biggest gift I can think to give them in life.  I want them to grow up knowing that they were heard and loved, that they had the freedom to be creative in life. I want them to dance to the music that lives within them. I can help them create a limitless life, just by making sure I look into their eyes every time they speak to me. I want them to always know that they are important and that they matter in this world.

That is the beauty of being a parent, as I shift in life I can help my children be the most amazing beings they were born to be.

A Clear Space

5 Jul

I have never ever been one concerned with being a neat freak. In fact, most days I am so tired that I just hate cleaning.

When I started teacher training we began to read from the Yoga Sutras, and study the Yama‘s and Niyama‘s. I kept hearing a theme repeated about having a clear space, a clear mind, a clear environment.

I expected with the summer here and both kids home all day that my house would become a F5 tornado zone. Something oddly funny happened instead. I am keeping my counters clean, I am keeping up with the massive loads of laundry, and even cleaning out my car frequently.

I find that I want very little furniture and just lots and lots of space, clean and clear space. When I walk into my home and it is clutter free and organized my state of mind follows. Living where I live it is so hard to keep clean floors, but I do little bits each day. I am starting to see how meditation and yoga are changing my life on and off the mat. I think this is such a beautiful thing. I find that things that I used to dread are now things that I hold near and dear to my heart.

I woke up this morning and got my meditation in while my kids slept. I woke up early with no alarm and felt great. Then I quietly tip toed into the living room and sat in silence for about 15 minutes, that was when the oldest little angel woke up. I sat in silence and watched the sun outside and listened to my chickens and goats make their morning calls. I used to dread getting up early because I get so little sleep, but now I finally get it.

Those early morning hours just before, and as the sun rises, are the most precious time of day. Those precious few moments of quiet time to myself I hold close to my heart. Any coincidence that I handled my day better than yesterday, I think not!

My love and acceptance for myself is contenting to grow. As that love inside me grows it feels more and more comfortable to nurture my body and mind. I am worthy of that. WOW, what a glorious idea to have come realized in my life.

I am just beginning to understand what true contentment is, and how to achieve that state of mind. I am really starting to find comfort in the home that I thought would be so hard for me to call my own. I am feeling a sense of “self” now a days. I don’t worry so much about clothes, hair and makeup. I spend more time being conscious of the smile on my face and how it can affect those around me.

I saw this poster the other day and I realized just how true it really is. It was so beautiful, too beautiful not to share.

 

The above is a quote from Theodore Roosevelt.

Don’t let your joy be stolen, by comparison, or clutter, or being in a state of dis-contentment. Find your clear and quiet space and that is where your joy will live.

My Happy Place

4 Jul

Let me begin by saying

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY TO ALL OF YOU!!!!!!

Now, let’s get down to business. I have been in a funk, a funky funk. I realize that I have had too many days without meditation, and too many things in my life that need clarity.

So today finally a long overdue meditation came my way. I sat in complete silence, something I haven’t had in almost 10 days, and began. I began the journey into my happy place. So many years of believing that I could not meditate, and now I crave it like a drug. It is delicious, in the words of my respected teacher. It brings me back to earth and helps center me.

It is no magic pill. I don’t meditate and then say, “POOF, NOW I HAVE CLARITY AND ALL IS WELL IN THE WORLD.” It is more like a slow drive through the country. At first you are driving and not paying attention to all the beauty around you, but then you realize you are driving slower and slower, and noticing all the flowers and trees along the road. You notice the  bunnies in the field and the birds in the trees. Eventually you realize you have to just stop, pull over and take it all in. That is meditation for me.

When I am not meditating I am able to take the “country drive” feeling with me into the world. As time goes on I am able to go slower and slower, gain more clarity, and appreciate more. It is a journey.

I wanted to remind all of you on this day, this happy day of fun, food and fireworks, to take some quiet time. Take those few minutes to take your country drive. It will rejuvenate you inside and out.

I hope you all have an amazing day full of fun and peace.

Namaste-

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