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There’s Never a “Right” Time. | The Manifest-Station

23 Apr

This is one of the most magnificent pieces my sister has written. It is a must read.

 

There’s Never a “Right” Time. | The Manifest-Station.

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What to Learn from a 6 Year Old Who Has Autism « Positively Positive

28 Mar

Choosing something different. Choosing to shift, be different, move on, move forward, or live something new.

You don’t need to ask permission or wait for the okay. You just need to say the words. I’m all done now. I choose something different.

via What to Learn from a 6 Year Old Who Has Autism « Positively Positive.

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I HAVE COMPASSION

17 Mar

Our farm is growing and our baby chickens are not so little any more. In the spirit of keeping it real, and always be telling the truth (ABTTT) I am not a huge fan of the chickens, I love their eggs, but they are kinda stinky little things. My sweet Blaise doesn’t think they stink, in fact he loves them as if they were his babies, that’s what he calls them, “My pretty babies.” He has compassion and caring actions for all creatures, even gross bugs.

Compassion has been on my mind a ton lately. I can’t stop thinking about compassion, finding it, keeping it, and putting it in to practice. In my mini workshop last week I told the women there to find compassion for themselves. I asked them, “Would you turn to your best friend and tell her that she is fat or ugly?” Of course we wouldn’t, but we find it completely ok to say those things to ourselves. I think this is where I am not congruent in my life, not lately. I am compassionate, I do have compassion for all others in my life, but struggle to put that practice to use on myself.

My family and I have a truly magical relationship. They are  always there to inspire me, but also there to always call me on my shit. More times than I can remember they have told me, “I am always looking for a reason to make myself feel bad.” Sadly, it’s true. I am  tired of this, I have outgrown this conversation.

I found myself today thinking of all the reasons why my yoga studio is growing slowly. I started thinking of the countless laundry list of things that were “wrong” with me. I am done with all of this, it means nothing and does nothing to improve any situation. I think if it doesn’t inspire, support or better the situation I will not speak those thoughts out loud. It all boils down to the fear of what will people find out about me? What is it that I am afraid people will see if I truly reveal myself? This is a heavy load to carry around all day, every day.

I have decided that I am going to practice loving compassion in every single morsel of my life. I am going to work on connecting the mind-body connection in my life. I am going to heal my body by healing my spirit and working on connecting the bridge between the two.

I have decided to work on completely “greening” my diet and clean out my insides. Finding balance with my inner workings and creating clarity in my spirit. I am going to practice compassion and ease into this as a life long change. I am truly excited to see what unfolds for me when I find peace with my physical and spirit self.

I am re-reading my “Eastern Body Western Mind” book. I am digging back down into my own personal chakra healing. Starting from the bottom and working up. I am ready to tear down some serious walls and dirt. I think of it like annual spring cleaning.

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Whatever Makes You Happy and an Obituary.

15 Mar

Whatever Makes You Happy and an Obituary..

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Throw Your Caution To The Wind

4 Mar

My latest essay on MindBodyGreen. Share and comment if inspired.

Throw Your Caution To The Wind.

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It Finds You

4 Mar

Blaise woke up promptly at 7am, “I am hungry mom, I need an apple.” Today is our day to sleep in, I was hoping for just 20 more minutes, well nope, not today. I got up and BAM. Holy, you know what, migraine city. I don’t typically get headaches, let alone migraines, up until recently. I think to myself, “I am fine. I have medicine for this, I will rest before work, this shall pass.” Six hours later, 2 pills later, a nap later, and I still think my brains are ready to come out of every possible crevice in my head. Oh did I mention today I decided to start my juice cleanse/fast/feast.

juice fast

Probably not smart because I am going out-of-town on Friday and well, let’s just say it’s about that time of the month. I went forth with reckless abandon, thinking I made it four days last time, I can definitely do four days this time. Ha! At just around 1:30 I was ready to eat my left arm for lunch. I started thinking. Listen to your body, what is it telling you, it’s telling you to eat. I had some nuts. Headache still here.

Rewind:

7am in my house:

Rachel: “Blaise you need to get on the scale it’s been a while.”

Blaise: “Okay Mommy”

Rachel: “Oh my god you gained 4 lbs. What the heck. I did everything the doctor said. How could this be?

hate the scale

My husband senses a major meltdown and hides under the covers. My heart starts beating. Oh my god. I hate PWS. I hate scales. I hate food. I hadn’t planned on getting on myself, having gorged on some serious Italian last night, and the night before, but of course I did anyway. I stepped on. OH MY GOD I am up another 10 lbs. Panic sets in, sweat beads are forming on my forehead, my voice deepens, every living thing in my path should run for cover. I deal with panic, I ask for help from good friends and move on with my day. Experience and release, I hope.

WHAT YOU SEEK IN LIFE WILL FIND YOU

I am sleeping in my bed when my phone goes off. It is 1:45 headache is still raging, it’s Blaise’s teacher. Shit, do I answer? Is it important? Oh god, I want to sleep. I answer. Conversation goes as follows. “Blaise had an accident, a big one, he wet his pants big time. Oh and there are no clothes here that fit him, they are all too small, oh and by the way he needs bigger pants his butt keeps showing.” Well, after that mouth full I am fully awake. I rub my eyes, put my shoes on and head out the door. I start the car, oh I need to bring clothes, my child is naked in his class. I get to school and he is wrapped in a blanket, naked from the waist down. Conversation from phone continues: “Blaise needs BIGGER pants, his butt crack shows, he is too big for his clothes.” Yes, I get it.

Universe said to me: You wanted to deal with this today. You asked for it. You put it out there. I didn’t say how I would give it to you, but I did. So the universe presented me with this horrible and ugly situation with my son. For the non PWS  parent let me explain why such situation is ugly and horrible. Our kids gaining weight is the ultimate enemy, (the bigger PWS kids that is). After leaving the doctor in January and her saying no more weight gain, another four pounds feels like I have an elephant sitting on my chest.

elephant-on-the-chest

I pulled up my boot straps and drove his little hiney down to the store and got new pants. Situation handled, NOT.

Said voice in my head(in one long breath): You are failing as a PWS mom, this is too much to bare. I have to monitor everything he eats, make sure he gets exercise and therapy, I have to practice reading, writing, and math at home, dole out countless medications everyday, make sure his GI tract is functioning, make sure he is breathing at night, keep him safe from food, help him dress, brush his teeth, use the bathroom properly, give his GH shot every night, drive to Atlanta and Florida for countless doctor appointments, and there is too much more to list. OH AND SHIT HE GAINED 4 LBS, like I need one more thing.

This is the voice inside my head. Sometimes I wonder how I get the courage to wake up in the morning and face another day of battles and victories, or joy and hurt. All I know to do is keep moving forward, connecting with my support system, and write.

My mom was here for 2 months when I got sick, she is an angel from heaven. Just knowing I had somebody to turn to at any point in the day was heavenly. I still have that, via phone, but I have it. PWS can make you feel so alone. I don’t feel alone today, but in the spirit of ABTTT(always be telling the truth) I am admitting that today I am overwhelmed and exhausted. If it was weight issues I wanted this morning I sure got them.

Sometimes I can do all the right things and the outcome still doesn’t fit my plan. This is that such case. I did everything the doctors told me and it still backfired. Time for plan B. I will always turn to plan b, and then c. I will do whatever it takes to get it right for Blaise. I want him to live a happy life, I want him to be healthy and fit, and move with ease. I will tackle this latest monster. I am tired and don’t know if I have the energy for monster slaying, but there is a job to do and so I go forth, with reckless abandon, because I love my son.

monster slayer

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The Manifest-Station Letters to Steve

3 Mar

The Manifest-Station.

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